


In The Blink of An Eye

by heartsdesire456



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Illnesses, Life Threatening Illness, M/M, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-02
Updated: 2013-03-02
Packaged: 2017-12-04 02:55:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/705720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything can be going great in life when -BAM- in the blink of an eye everything changes. For Tommy and Adam, everything in their lives changed for the best when they adopted their son, Jonah.</p><p> However, this time, that blink-and-change thing isn't exactly in their favor. When Tommy is diagnosed with a brain tumor, the dark reality of life and all of its challenges suddenly becomes real for the Lambert-Ratliff family. </p><p>This is a story of life,love, family, and most of all, the resiliancy of the human spirit in the face of adversity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In The Blink of An Eye

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to Growing Up. Moved over since people showed interest after reading Growing Up.
> 
> Available in [Chinese](http://tieba.baidu.com/p/3738344171)

Tommy sat down heavily as the doctor showed him the pictures, explaining something. The only thing Tommy could focus on at the moment was the words the doctor had said after ‘well, it doesn’t look great’.

“So, the mass is causing intracranial swelling. Nothing too serious, it’s just the cause of your headaches.” The doctor looked up just as Tommy turned back into the conversation. “Any questions so far?”

Tommy just bit his lip. “I’ve… is it cancer?” he asked and the doctor gave him an apologetic look.

“At this point, Tommy, we can’t know,” he said gently. “We can track its progress for a few weeks, and if nothing changes we can just keep observing it until something does. The growth of a benign meningioma can be nothing at all after a point. It could’ve been there your entire life and you never knew,” he said then tilted his head. “But, since you’ve started developing headaches, that suggests it has grown. The average growth of these types of tumors can be hard to pin down, but it seems to be a few millimeters per year. There aren’t any extremely sensitive regions of your brain around it, so there isn’t any immediate harm in keeping an eye on it, checking it’s growth rate, and if it’s rapid, that may mean we need to do a biopsy,” he explained. “If it’s atypical it could cause more severe headaches and symptoms like that. If it’s malignant, it could spread to other parts of your brain or, even possibly, enter the blood stream and metastasize elsewhere,” he explained. “We’re going to do some more tests for now and then give it a few weeks.” He looked at Tommy. “Most likely, you’re fine. Meningioma cases have a great prognosis most of the time.”

Tommy nodded weakly. “But sometimes they don’t,” he said and the doctor nodded.

“Sometimes. But let’s go with statistics for now. We’ll worry more when we have more information,” he said, standing. “Although, just in case, maybe you should bring a family member or friend when we bring you back in a few weeks, yeah?” he suggested. “It is always better to have someone on hand to give you the emotional support you need.”

Tommy just nodded absently, blanking out again as he was taken for another MRI-type scan. Tommy didn’t know the difference and, quite frankly, he didn’t care. He was too stuck on the words ‘brain tumor’ to care much about anything else.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Tommy got home from his doctors visit still in a fog. When he got there, however, he was immediately swept up into a hug by his over-excited boyfriend. “TOMMY!” Adam cried, spinning him around. “Tommy I got nominated for a Grammy!” he cried excitedly, and Tommy actually managed to snag himself from his funk and give Adam a genuine smile. 

“That’s great baby!” he cried, curling his arms around Adam, giggling when Adam squished him in a hug, lifting him off of the ground. “When did you find out?” he asked, and Adam beamed, blue eyes sparkling with joy.

“The nominations came out this morning,” he said, positively _glowing_. “I was making Jonah’s lunch and my phone kept buzzing and he yelled for me and about the time I got there, he said he had heard my name on the TV-“

Tommy gave him a chastising look. “Hey, you get onto me for just letting him watch music video countdowns, why was it on E! when he was in here, huh?” he said and Adam laughed.

“Hey, I had been watching something earlier before I went to make lunch,” he said, waving a hand. “Whatever, I answered and it was my mom, all excited and I ran in and they were talking about the nominations!” he said, dancing around. “I may make music cause I love it, but nothing is quite like hearing that you’re awesome,” he joked, and Tommy gave him a fond smile.

“Hey,” he said, stepping up to catch Adam’s hips, standing on his toes to kiss him. “You’ve always been awesome to me,” he said and Adam smiled at him lovingly. Tommy felt a strange wave of grief as he thought of ruining Adam’s day by telling him about the tumor. “I love you, you know?” he said and Adam giggled, kissing him sweetly.

“Love you too, TommyJoe. Always,” he said, then tugged away. “C’mon, Jonah’s on the phone with my mom, he’s all excited for me!” he said, leading Tommy to the living room.

Tommy bit his lip and shook his head. He couldn’t tell him and rain on his parade. He promised himself he would tell Adam soon. _Just not right now_ , he thought as he took in the always awe-inspiring sight of Adam and Jonah smiling at each other.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy hoped that, during the excitement, Adam had forgotten all about the doctor’s appointment. However, as they were getting ready for bed, Adam looked up. “Oh yeah, I never did ask, whatever happened at the doctor’s office? Did they find out what’s been making you have headaches?” he asked as he slid into bed.

Tommy bit his lip behind his bangs as he kicked off his socks before climbing into bed. “Uh, no, I didn’t get to see the doctor,” he said, quickly turning out the lamp on his side of the bed. “They double-booked. I’ve got an appointment in a few weeks.”

Adam huffed. “That sucks. Your headaches worry me,” he said, reaching out to ruffle Tommy’s hair as they settled down facing each other. “You didn’t used to get headaches,” he said softly.

Tommy hummed, closing his eyes as Adam’s touches to his scalp soothed him. “Probably just something seasonal. Allergies or something. Maybe there’s something growing around here.”

Adam sighed. “I hope they can give you something to make it stop hurting so much at least.” He curled his fingers in Tommy’s hair, smiling at him across the pillow. “I hate seeing you hurt. It breaks my heart a little every time. You just look so pitiful.”

Tommy smiled tightly. “I’m okay, Adam. I promise,” he whispered, nearly choking on his last words. _Lies_ , his brain supplied unhelpfully.

Adam hummed. “I know, I just worry. It’s inherited from growing up in a family full of Jews,” he said playfully, earning a giggle from Tommy.

Tommy looked into Adam’s sleepy eyes and scooted closer, pecking his lips. “I love you,” he said softly and Adam hummed happily, ruffling his hair some more.

“Love you too. You’re a soft kitty,” he teased, tugging on his hair some more. “Goodnight,” he whispered and Tommy smiled, nudging his head into Adam’s fingers, letting Adam’s tender touch soothe away his worries and put him to sleep.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
For the next few weeks, Tommy’s worries increased. Now that he _knew_ what was there, every headache, every dizzy wave, every tiny bit of nausea- all of the things he had been experiencing without too much worry before- was terrifying. He knew that they were symptoms of his tumor. He also knew that they seemed to be intensifying, which couldn’t be good.

It was only a week before he went back for another round of MRI, and CT scans that he started to think about what it would mean if he did have brain cancer. If the tumor was malignant, there was no telling what they would do. He’d seen on the scan how big it was, where it was located, and he could only imagine surgery that close to his spine wasn’t an easy one to do, assuming it was even operable. As he sat watching Jonah and Adam eating breakfast on the other side of the table from him, he couldn’t imagine what all he would miss if he didn’t make it. He nearly burst into tears when he thought about not watching his little boy grow up.

Jonah was the most beautiful gift he had ever received. Looking back, he knew it had been ridiculously rash of him to agree to adopt a baby with his then-friend only a few weeks in advance of actually receiving said baby. He also looked back and regretted nothing. Tommy smiled as he watched Jonah spearing a piece of toast with a fork before proceeding to eat it crusts-inward, spinning it around. Adam kept getting onto Jonah for playing with his food, but Tommy knew that, to a child, everything was better when it was on a ‘stick’. 

Jonah was four years old. He would be five in January. He could already read some and he loved to show it off. He was smart, and beautiful, and the most amazing thing Tommy had ever known. He understood that most kids came from a mommy’s tummy and he understood that Adam and Tommy had got him after he was born to take home, but he never seemed to care. They didn’t want to even pretend to hide it from him that he was adopted but as he was theirs from birth, he only knew that his fathers loved him just as much as his cousins’ moms and dads. 

He had thick, dark hair, big blue eyes, and pale, beautiful skin. Adam was envious of how beautiful and unblemished Tommy and Jonah’s skin was, but Jonah always wanted ‘spots’ like Adam. It wasn’t uncommon for Jonah to color brown spots on the backs of his hands with markers if they didn’t watch him closely. He looked up to his dad so much it almost _hurt_ how happy it Tommy. Tommy had always thought Adam was the most incredible human being and having their son share his idolization was amazing. And Tommy knew that Adam never thought he deserved their admiration. To him, they were even better.

To say they were a happy family would be an understatement. None of the bullshit he and Adam had ever faced for being a couple of men raising a child was ever enough to put even a dent in their family dynamic. Tommy had no regrets in his life. He didn’t miss the partying, he didn’t miss the lifestyle they led before Jonah, and he surely didn’t miss all the women. Even before he and Adam had worked themselves out, he never regretted giving it all up for Jonah. Since he and Adam had accepted their love for each other, there had been nothing missing from Tommy’s life.

They still toured, they still took Jonah with them. Jinx was still his nanny during tour, though she had been paid a favor and had a nice desk-job with the management team whenever she wasn’t on tour. Tommy’s and Adam’s families had criticized them for not putting Jonah in school, but when it had come up, neither Tommy nor Adam wanted to put him in school when that would mean Tommy leaving the band to stay home with Jonah permanently. 

Touring was no longer anything like it used to be. Before Jonah, and even while he was a baby, there had been partying and shenanigans. Tour since Jonah had become a toddler was kid-friendly at the least. There was no more drinking and going out to clubs, there was no more partying until all hours, and there was no more half-assing it. They had a fully family-friendly bus, the band didn’t hang around getting drunk anymore after shows, and everybody had submitted to a swear-jar rule for whenever Jonah was in the room. Tommy couldn’t even remember the last time he’d gotten drunk. He and Adam neither wanted Jonah around people who were drinking and the only time either of them had anything to drink was when one of them was at home with Jonah and the other was out with friends. Even then, Tommy generally quit at a couple of beers since he would be going home to Jonah whenever he left.

They were officially ‘parents’. Tommy wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

“What’re you thinking, he said,” Adam said louder and Tommy jerked his head up. “You okay?” Adam asked, giving him a look. “Jonah was just a talking to you.”

Tommy smiled forcedly. “Sorry buddy, what’s up?” he asked, and Jonah sat up.

“I asked why you’re staring at me. What’re you thinking?” he asked, and Tommy smiled sadly.

“Just looking at you and your dad,” he said, shrugging. “Just a little distracted, that’s all.”

Adam smiled. “What’re you thinking about that has you staring so hard?” he asked, popping a grape into his mouth.

Tommy felt a jerk in his stomach as he looked at Adam and a thought floated across his head. 

_You might die without ever getting married_.

Tommy and Adam had adopted Jonah before marriage was legal for them. After it was legalized, they always said they would get married someday, but they never made good on the plan. It wasn’t really necessary so they didn’t worry about it. However, as he swallowed around the lump in his throat, Tommy suddenly realized that there was a very real possibility they would never get to call each other ‘husband’.

Tommy couldn’t hold in his words as soon as they formed in his head and went straight to his mouth, ignoring his filter. “Let’s get married,” he blurted out, eyes widening almost as soon as the breath passed his vocal cords.

Adam coughed, choking on his grape. “What?!” he asked, then frowned. “Where the hell did that come from?” he asked, and Jonah cleared his throat.

“Dad, you said the H word!” he accused, and Adam huffed, knowing Jonah would follow him around until he put a quarter in the swear-jar.

“Tommy, seriously, what’s up with you this morning?” Adam asked curiously.

Tommy bit his lip. “Let’s do it,” he decided suddenly. “We can call up your parents, call my mom, grab Jonah, then just go see a justice of the peace,” he said energetically. “Pretty much just elope,” he added with a small smile.

Adam raised an eyebrow. “Are you okay?”

Tommy nodded. “Seriously, Adam. Your dad is in town this week, we could get married today,” he said, and Adam laughed.

“Very funny, TommyJoe.” He shook his head. “Daddy is silly, isn’t he, Jonah?” he asked and Tommy deflated.

“Adam, don’t you want to marry me?” he asked and Adam gave him a funny look.

“Well, yeah, some day,” he said, rolling his eyes. “But like… a wedding and everybody there to celebrate with us. I don’t want to elope, are you crazy?” he asked, laughing softly. “Besides, elopement sort of loses its power when we’re already legally bound by domestic partnership. Marriage is only really needed as a ceremonial thing and a few differently worded laws on our tax forms compared to our domestic partnership,” he said. “Why get married without a family and friends ceremony?”

Tommy sighed. “I just want to be able to call you my husband is all,” he said, smiling tightly. “It’s not a big deal.”

Adam frowned. “Are you okay?” Tommy nodded wordlessly. “Well,” Adam said, shrugging. “If you really want to get married, we could plan a wedding I guess. I mean, it doesn’t have to be a big fancy ordeal, we could just do a small wedding,” he suggested, and Tommy nodded.

“Yeah, I guess we can do that,” he said, trying hard to ignore the part of him that kept thinking of the possibility he would die before they could plan a wedding.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Tommy was confronted by the doctor after some more scans, the look on his face as he came into the room said it all before he uttered a word. His eyes were apologetic and that was enough to put Tommy’s stomach into a downward spiral. “Not good, is it?” he asked weakly.

Dr. Jones- a specialist called in by his physician- smiled. “Well Tommy, it could be worse, but I wish it was better,” he said and Tommy nodded blankly. “The tumor is growing faster than we expected,” he explained and Tommy deflated some. “It’s growing a lot faster than most benign tumors. Most likely, if it was benign, possibly from birth, something in your gene sequence has mutated with age or exposure to radiation and it just began growing faster.” He shook his head. “There’s no way to predict the growth patterns of meningiomas. However, this one has grown nearly two millimeters in the few weeks since the first scans,” he said. 

Tommy felt his heart _drop_. “So… do you think it’s cancerous?” he asked hoarsely, swallowing hard as his throat went dry.

The doctor shrugged. “We can’t know yet. It may be malignant or it may be atypical. Either way, you’ll have to have treatment,” he said. “The tumor is located along the sphenoid ridge, at the base of your skull, and there are arteries around there that, should the growth continue unchecked, could be pressed on. Basically, you would have a stroke,” he said and Tommy nodded weakly. “Look,” he said gently. “I know this is a lot to take in-“

“What do we do now?” Tommy asked, ignoring the doctors kind words. “I mean, what happens next?” he asked in a hollow voice.

“Well,” Dr. Jones started. “First we need to do a biopsy,” he said and Tommy waited for him to continue. “The biopsy process for this type of tumor is a bit more invasive than some types of tumor,” he started and Tommy flinched. “It’s a surgical procedure. Most often with meningiomas the biopsy is done during the removal of the tumor. However, the location of your tumor doesn’t offer a lot of room to work with for surgical removal.”

Tommy blinked. “Then… then how do we fix it?” he asked, blinking in confusion. It was all too much to take in at once. He was sure he was missing something.

The doctor put a hand on his shoulder. “There’s other procedures. There’s radiation treatments, different types of fractionated radiotherapy, and stereotactic radiosurgery is also a plausible option when the time comes,” he explained. “Also, certain types of chemotherapy are available should it prove to be cancerous.” 

Tommy nodded. “So… that biopsy thing?” he asked, and the doctor nodded.

“Yes, biopsy is our first course of action. The biopsy of brain tissue involves boring a small hole through the skull,” he started and Tommy felt positively faint at the thought. “And from there on out it’s like a needle biopsy. A needle is inserted, a small piece of the tumor tissue is taken for a sample, and depending on the lab at the hospital it is performed at, the results can be back before you’re even awake.” Dr. Jones looked at the green look on Tommy’s face and frowned. “Tommy?”

Tommy just snapped out of his daze. “I’m going to be sick,” he choked out, rushing over to the trashcan in the corner, barely making it in time to keep from vomiting on the floor. After a little while, he was able to walk back over to face the doctor, knees weak from the overwhelming information.

“I know it’s a lot to take in,” the doctor started. “I’ve written this all down for you in case the shock leaves gaps for you,” he said gently. “I suggested you bring a friend for a reason,” he added and Tommy felt his throat close.

“What- what do I tell my family?” he choked out, chest tightening. “Oh God, what do I tell them-“

“Calm down, Tommy, it’s going to be okay,” Dr. Jones comforted, helping him sit down again. After guiding Tommy’s breathing for a while, the doctor shook his head. “You haven’t told your family?” he asked, and Tommy shook his head. “It’s been a few weeks since you found out,” he said gently.

Tommy sighed. “The day I came home with news I had a tumor, my partner got nominated for a Grammy and I just couldn’t rain on the parade. And then every time I tried to bring it up, I kept thinking maybe I should wait. I mean, it’s coming up on the holidays. My son’s four years old. I don’t want him to have to try and worry about one of his father’s being sick all through Hanukah and Christmas,” he said weakly.

Dr. Jones raised an eyebrow. “A Grammy? Is he someone I would know?” he asked. “I know your occupation was listed as musician, but if your partner is up for a Grammy…”

Tommy smiled. “He has one already,” he said, then bit his lip. “Ever heard of Adam Lambert?” he asked, and the doctor started.

“Oh yes, of course,” he said, then smiled. “Well it’s nice to hear you’ve got some good news for your family to focus on for now,” he said, and Tommy nodded. “But Tommy, you’re going to be going into a surgery. You’ll be under general anesthesia. You can’t not tell your family,” he said pointedly.

Tommy sighed. “I know, I just… I want to spare them for as long as I can.”

Dr. Jones smiled sadly. “Well, we’re going to schedule the biopsy for a week from tomorrow,” he said and Tommy started. “You need to find a way to tell them all the truth. You are going to NEED their support through this. Family and friends to support you is absolutely what you need the most of right now.”

Tommy nodded weakly. “Yeah, I guess,” he all but whispered, feeling his heart pounding harder and harder as he thought about Adam’s inevitable reaction.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy planned on not telling Adam about the biopsy until after Christmas. The next day after his doctors visit was Christmas eve and the first day of Hanukah. His biopsy was scheduled for the thirtieth, so he would already be ruining the end of Hanukah for Adam and Jonah. He hoped to at least give them Christmas without the bad news.

However, when he got home from the doctor’s appointment, between the shock and side effects of a long day causing him to have trouble balancing (all thanks to his tumor) Adam knew something was wrong within minutes. He didn’t speak out in front of Jonah, but Tommy saw Adam giving him looks all night. He hated the thought of having to come clean, so he tried his best to keep everything suppressed, paying extra attention to Jonah.

When he tried to go to bed as soon as Jonah was asleep, Adam came after him. Tommy looked up from where he was pulling off his shirt to change for bed as Adam walked in. “So… what’s up TommyJoe?” he asked suspiciously.

Tommy panicked slightly, keeping silent as he looked for a shirt if for no other reason than to hide the way he was swaying slightly. “Nothing,” he said softly. He made a split second’s decision when Adam walked over to him. He turned around and immediately curled his arms around Adam, tilting his head up to kiss Adam.

Adam let him have his kiss, gently curling his hands around Tommy’s hips. However, instead of tugging him closer, he pushed Tommy away slightly, making him whine in frustration. “Nice try,” he said with a small, amused smile. “Spill,” he demanded, looking down at Tommy through playfully narrowed eyes.

Tommy just felt his chest restrict, stomach twisting as he saw the loving, happy, playful look in his lover’s eyes. He knew it wouldn’t be there for long. Tommy deflated and sighed, figuring he may as well come clean. “You should sit down,” he said softly and Adam frowned.

“Tommy?” he asked, tilting his head questioningly.

Tommy shook his head. “We should talk,” he said, pulling out of Adam’s arms. He walked over to look out the window, biting his lip tightly.

“Tommy?” Adam asked again, voice showing a sign of tension. “What’s wrong?”

Tommy turned back and nodded at the bed. “Sit,” he instructed, walking over to sit on the bed, legs curled up under him. Adam gave him a wary expression, sitting down lightly on the edge of the bed. 

“Tommy, please, baby, you’re scaring me,” Adam said, reaching out to take Tommy’s hand.

Tommy fought a wave of nausea that he knew was probably more related to nerves than the tumor this time. “When I went to the doctor in November, I never told you what they found,” he started and Adam frowned.

“You told me you didn’t get to see the doctor,” he accused and Tommy flinched, making a face. “You lied?” Adam asked, giving him a stern look. “Why the hell would you lie to me?”

Tommy bit his lip. “I hoped that- that maybe at the follow up today the news would be good and I could get away without telling you-“

“Telling me what?” Adam asked, voice hard, the strain exhibiting an edge of fear.

Tommy looked down, then caught Adam’s hands and held them in his lap. He looked up into Adam’s eyes, hating nothing more than the fear and apprehension clouding his beautiful gray eyes. “Adam, there’s no easy way to say this-“

Adam’s face went white, all of the blood draining quickly. “Oh God-“ He choked, lips in a tight line. “It’s bad,” he whispered and Tommy bit his lip.

“Not necessarily,” Tommy said quickly. He kissed Adam’s knuckles. “It may be bad or it may be treatable in one go.” He took a deep breath, watching Adam’s face as he spoke. “I have a brain tumor,” he said in a calm, even tone.

For all of his life, Tommy would never forget Adam’s face at those words.

Adam’s eyes widened, his jaw dropped, and he gasped, shaking his head slightly in horror. “What?!” he choked out, jumping up to start pacing. “Oh God, oh God, oh God,” he chanted, tugging at his hair as he walked around aimlessly, face screwed up. 

“Adam-“

“This can’t- I can’t-“ Adam slapped a hand over his mouth, turning to look at Tommy with tears in his eyes. “Tommy,” he squeaked behind his hand before bursting into tears right there, standing in the middle of the room.

Tommy felt sick as he jumped up and ran over, shaking his head as he caught Adam’s waist. “Shhhh, no baby, no,” he soothed, flinching when Adam flung his arms around him, squeezing him just a hair too tight. “Shhhhhh, don’t cry,” he whispered, closing his eyes as he fought his own tears at the _pain_ he was causing Adam. “Adam, please, just breathe, okay?” he all but begged. He pulled back and led Adam over to the bed. He guided him to sit and caught his face, heart throbbing as he felt all the tears soaking his lover’s face. “Adam, breathe,” he urged and Adam let out a sob, clutching at Tommy’s wrists.

“I can’t,” he choked out, shaking his head. “Tommy, are you- do you feel okay?” He sniffled, speaking through his tears. “My God, how do you feel? You okay, honey?” he asked, pulling him down onto the bed beside him. He reached up to hold his face in his hands, looking into Tommy’s eyes. “Are you- are you okay?” he asked, and Tommy nodded, sniffling a little.

“I’m okay, Adam.” He caught Adam’s hands, lacing their fingers together. “Just calm down, okay?” he tried and Adam nodded, sniffling as he fought to pull himself back together. “Can you do that for me?” he asked, and Adam nodded.

“Yeah, yeah Tommy,” he said, clearing his throat. “Okay so… so you sure you’re okay?” he asked, and Tommy smiled sadly.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He took a breath, deciding the best place to start would be the top. “When I went about my headaches, they couldn’t find anything so they did an MRI. They found a mass,” he explained and Adam fought to keep composure. “They did a CT scan and diagnosed it as a meningioma. That means a tumor that forms in the folds of brain tissue,” he said, and Adam nodded. “They told me that usually they’re benign. However, even a benign tumor can be bad if it’s pressing on parts of your brain that it shouldn’t. The doctor decided to keep a watch on it and schedule an appointment a few weeks later. Today’s appointment.”

Adam nodded. “And was it? Benign, I mean?” he asked.

Tommy smiled sadly, shrugging. “They can’t be sure, but Dr. Jones- the neurologist- he doesn’t… he doubts it’s benign,” he said, and Adam took a sharp breath.

“Oh.”

Tommy nodded. “It’s growing fast. If it is benign, some genetic mutation recently started it growing faster because the headaches are due to pressure in my brain from the tumor getting bigger and there not being any room,” he explained. “They can’t know if it’s benign, atypical, or malignant until they do a biopsy.”

Adam nodded. “Okay so when is that?” he asked.

Tommy cringed. “The thirtieth,” he said and Adam blinked.

“So soon?” he asked, and Tommy nodded. “Fuck, that’s still Hanukah. What are we going to do with Jonah?” he asked, biting his lip. “My mom will have tons of family over and-“

Tommy held his hands up to his lips, smiling sadly. “I wasn’t going to tell you until after Christmas. I wanted you to get at least one holiday with Jonah without this over you since it was gonna interrupt Hanukah,” he explained. “It’s… to do a biopsy on my brain I’ll have to have a surgery. Full general anesthesia and everything,” he said softly. “I’ll even be there over night.”

Adam looked up, tilting his head some. “This is why you wanted us to practically elope,” he said and Tommy nodded guiltily.

“I just… I realized then that if this tumor isn’t benign, I could very well die before I ever call you ‘husband’,” he said sadly. “But hey, I don’t blame you,” he said, smiling supportively. “I mean, maybe if I make it through whatever treatments and it works, maybe we can have a wedding-“

Adam closed his eyes, pale and shaking. “If I said yes, would you marry me like you said? Just- just grab our parents, Jonah, and a minister?” he said softly.

Tommy frowned. “Well… yes, but why-“

Adam sniffled slightly, swallowing hard. “Then let’s do it,” he said softly. “Let’s… it’s Hanukah so my dad’s coming up tomorrow. He’s staying with Neil and he’s staying until January. My mom has a lot of family in town. Your mom has a lot of family in town,” he said, and Tommy blinked.

“Are you… you want to throw together a wedding?” he asked, and Adam nodded, exhaling slowly to keep calm.

His scared blue eyes met Tommy’s confused brown ones. “The day after Christmas. We can- it can be a casual thing here,” he suggested. “Just… just maybe a casual, simple ceremony and we can do dinner with our family and close friends instead of a reception,” he said and Tommy felt a lump in his throat as he realized that Adam was serious.

“Adam-“ He shook his head, smiling at him, amazed at how incredible Adam really was. “Adam, you don’t have to give up on a wedding just to do this so fast-“

Adam leveled him with a look. “You want to know you can be my husband,” he said firmly. “I’ve always taken it for granted that one day we would be husbands. I’ve never doubted for a second that someday we would take the time and do it,” he said, biting his lip. “I’m not that worried about the procedure as much as the results, but there are risks associated with general anesthesia. I won’t take that chance, Tommy,” he said strongly, biting his lip as tears build behind his eyelashes, making his eyes shimmer to the point Tommy doubted Adam could even see. “If it’s okay with you, I want to marry you before the biopsy,” he all but whispered.

Tommy just laughed softly, shaking his head as he felt so much love radiating through him he was almost sure he could’ve floated if he jumped. “You are the most amazing human being that has ever existed, Adam Lambert,” he said, thinking fast before he looked at Adam and nodded. “Yeah. Okay, yeah,” he agreed. “We can do that, we’ve just gotta find somebody who’s ordained, get a license, then buy stuff to feed a decent sized group.”

Adam smiled, nodding. “Okay,” he whispered in relief, a tear streaking down his cheek.

Tommy reached out and swiped it away, cupping Adam’s cheek in his hand. “Hey,” he said, leaning in to kiss him sweetly. “You, Babyboy, are the love of my life.”

Adam laughed weakly. “Back at you, Glitterbaby,” he said, only for his laugh to morph into a pained whine. “ _Tommy_ ,” he squeaked, throwing his arms around Tommy as he began to cry again.

Tommy just closed his eyes, letting the tears he had fought since the very beginning surface as he held Adam while he cried. There was very little more real about the situation than watching one of the strongest people he had ever known truly break down.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The first day of Hanukkah, Adam, Tommy and Jonah went to have lunch with Adam’s family. The first day of Hanukkah generally meant lunch with Leila, Eber, and Neil. The last day of Hanukkah was for Adam’s WHOLE family. They didn’t want to let on to Jonah that Tommy was sick, so they decided not to tell Adam’s family in front of Jonah about the illness, only about the wedding.

“So yeah,” Adam said, smiling at Tommy after finishing the details. “Basically my family and his family and a few close friends just hanging out. We found a minister and got a marriage license this morning.”

Leila raised an eyebrow. “Why are you getting married the day after Christmas and during the middle of Hanukkah?” she asked, and Tommy bit his lip.

Adam just gave a too-large smile. “Everybody will be in town still,” he said simply.

Tommy nodded. “It’s going to be very casual. Just like… seriously, sitting around the living room and us getting married, then like… having a big family dinner,” he said, shrugging sheepishly. “I just really want to get married and Adam is mostly humoring me,” he said and Adam shook his head, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

“I wanna be able to say I have a ‘husband’ too,” he said, giving Tommy a deeper look than the others got. Tommy squeezed his hand as it lay on his lap. 

“Daddy, why are you and Dad getting married?” Jonah asked, looking at Tommy from his side.

Tommy smiled down at him. “Cause we want to?” he suggested, smiling. He ruffled his hair. “It’s not really different than how we already are, dude. I just get to call your dad my husband,” he said and Jonah chewed on his French fry thoughtfully.

“Like Aunt Lisa’s husband?” he asked and Tommy nodded. Jonah nodded. “Okay,” he said simply.

Tommy just smiled, ruffling his hair again before leaning over to kiss his head. “My big man,” he mumbled fondly.

Adam looked at them and bit his lip, unable to escape that fact that things were about to change very soon and for once, he had no way to control or influence the outcome at all. His family was about to go through something really hard and he could only hope that everything ended up well in the end. As he watched Tommy looking at Jonah, he knew Tommy was thinking exactly what he was: it was horrible to think about the things their son was going to see at way too young of an age.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy was helping Jonah get dressed while Adam fixed his hair when Leila slipped into the bedroom, smiling at him. “Hey,” she said, and Adam smiled.

“How’s it going downstairs?” he asked, and Leila rolled her eyes.

“Your friends arrived and now Tommy’s grandfather is being a creepy old guy towards Danielle,” she teased and Adam laughed.

“Tommy’s grandfather’s a sweet man, stop it,” he chastised, sighing as he looked at his reflection. He was bare-faced and wearing just a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt. He had on his necklaces, but otherwise, he was completely casual. Tommy wanted it that way. Tommy had always said his favorite Adam was the one he woke up next to in the morning, the one who hadn’t put on a rock star mask yet, and Adam wasn’t going to deny Tommy’s wish, especially around only family and close friends.

The door opening drew Adam from his thoughts and Leila from her speculating on Adam’s expression. Brad peeked in, then waved. “Hey! I just wanted to come talk to you,” he said, shutting the door behind him quickly. “Sorry if I’m interrupting,” he said, to Leila, who shook her head.

“No, I was just making some jokes,” she said, looking at Adam oddly. “You okay, honey?” she asked and he nodded, still looking at his reflection.

Brad whistled. “No makeup. Somebody is behind,” he said, and Adam smiled weakly, still staring at his own reflection.

“No. Tommy doesn’t want me to wear any or dress up or anything,” he said softly, tugging on his necklace absently.

Brad sat on the bed next to Leila. “Well, I just wanted to come get the real story,” he said, and Adam jumped slightly, eyes flying up to look at the two behind him in the mirror. Brad rolled his eyes. “Sweetie, I know you and you like to go big or nothing. As soon as I got here and saw that even for your surprising invitation to a ‘small, intimate family and friends ceremony’, it wasn’t even a party, I knew something was wrong.”

Adam sighed and Leila nodded. “You’re weird, Adam. I’m your mother, I know when you aren’t telling me something,” she said and Adam sat down heavily in the chair at his desk, hands coming up to cover his face. “Adam?” Leila asked, concern filtering into her voice.

Adam lifted his head, blinking back tears, as he refused to cry on his wedding day. “This doesn’t leave this room for now,” he said softly, looking over at them with a stern, hard look.

Brad frowned. “Adam? Is something wrong?” he asked, and Adam just nodded, biting his lip. Leila tilted her head and waited wordlessly.

Adam took a breath and coughed on his first words. “I didn’t find out until four days ago, but…” He breathed evenly to keep from crying and closed his eyes, waiting for the wave of panic to pass. “Tommy- Tommy’s sick,” he whispered and Leila gasped as Brad grabbed her wrist.

“Sick?” Leila asked, and Adam nodded. “What- what kind of… is it bad?” she asked and he nodded weakly.

“He- he has a brain tumor,” Adam choked out, shaking his head as they both stared in shock. “It- he found out a few weeks ago. The same day the Grammy nominations came out,” he said, shaking his head. “He didn’t… he didn’t look right when he got home, but first thing when he walked through the door me and Jonah were so happy about that and he told me the other day he lied about not getting to see the doctor because- because he didn’t want to upset me until he had more information,” he said.

“Does he?” Leila asked gently and he nodded.

“The other day he had a follow up. The tumor is growing fast, so it’s most likely not benign.” He shook his head weakly. “They said even benign tumors can start growing and become something else that isn’t cancerous, so they hope it’s that, not cancer,” he said, shrugging. “The- the day after he found out- even though I didn’t know-“ he started. “Tommy randomly asked me to elope with him. At breakfast, he was like ‘hey, we can grab our moms and Jonah and go see a Justice of the Peace’ and I laughed it off and said if he really wanted to get married, we could start planning a wedding sometime,” he said, shaking his head. “Turns out he- he wants to get married because he doesn’t want to-“ Adam whimpered, voice failing him for a moment. He took a deep breath. “ He doesn’t want to die before he can call me his husband,” he said, looking up with helpless eyes.

Leila just stood up and walked over to him. Adam didn’t even feel embarrassed as he wrapped his arms around his mom’s waist, hiding his face against her shirt in a way he hadn’t since he was a small child. She just curled her arms around his shoulders, rubbing at his hair soothingly, giving him the strength she could. He sniffled some as he pulled back, smiling up at her sadly. Leila smiled at his brave face and wiped away the lingering tears he hadn’t managed to hold in. “I guess something’s happening soon?” she asked, and Adam nodded, standing up to go look his face over.

“Yeah. The thirtieth they’re doing a biopsy,” he explained. “They can’t operate easily, it’s around major arteries, so surgery is like… not the easy option this time. The biopsy involves drilling a hole through his skull though so it’s a pretty serious procedure.” Adam took a deep breath, confident his eyes weren’t puffy. “He’s afraid of the general anesthesia even though it’s rare to have complications now,” he said, turning back to see both Brad and Leila giving him sympathetic looks. “And well… like I told him. I took it for granted all along that whenever we had the time, we’d get married. I took it for granted that I’d always have a chance later on.” He shook his head. “If Tommy wants to _know_ he gets to be my husband before he risks going under for the surgery, then I will give him that. I want it. I will _not_ let him go into this without something as simple as getting married,” he said firmly.

Brad sighed. “Fuck,” he said, and Leila nodded. “Who all else knows?” he asked, and Adam shook his head.

“Just me, Tommy, and now you guys. We aren’t telling Jonah,” he said, shaking his head. “Whenever the time comes, we’ll tell him that Daddy is sick, but he can’t possibly understand what a brain tumor is. We didn’t want to ruin everybody’s holidays just yet either, so we’ll talk to our families after everybody else is gone tonight,” he said, then shrugged. “He didn’t want to tell me and ruin my Christmas and Hanukkah but I knew something was wrong when he got home,” he said, shaking his head. “He has a fucking tumor and he still is more worried about how it affects the rest of us,” he said in absent wonder.

“Well shit,” Brad said, shaking his head. “I don’t know what to say,” he admitted, and Adam laughed softly.

“Yeah, me neither.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
“Dad! Dad!” Jonah ran over and jumped on Adam, who grunted when his bony little knees dug into Adam’s thigh. “Grandma’s taking me home with her,” he said, bouncing some.

Tommy looked up from his spot talking to his mother. “She is, huh?” he asked, looking at Leila curiously. “Since when?”

She smiled, catching Jonah in a hug when he ran over to wrap his arms around her leg, glaring at Tommy like he was going to say no. “Cause my little man wants to come play with Grandma and the puppies,” she said, then smiled down at Jonah. “Besides, I’m sure your dad and daddy would like a break after all the Christmas excitement, huh?” she asked, and Jonah nodded, giving Tommy puppy eyes.

“I wanna go with Grandma,” he said, poking out his little bottom lip, big blue eyes wide.

Adam laughed. “You spend too much time with your daddy,” he teased, shooting Tommy a look. “It’s okay, just means we’ll get a chance to talk with everybody before they head home without Jonah getting in the way,” he said with a pointed look.

Tommy raised an eyebrow and nodded at Leila, and Adam just shrugged innocently. Tommy bit his lip, nodding. “You’ve talked?” he asked and Adam nodded.

“Yeah, when I was getting dressed earlier she came up and… it sorta came out,” he said softly and Tommy nodded.

“Alright,” he said, then went over to kneel down beside Jonah. “Hey you be good for your grandma okay?” he asked, he said and Jonah beamed, hugging Tommy.

“Thank you daddy!” he said, then pulled back to kiss Tommy’s cheek. “I love you,” he said and Tommy smiled widely, looking at his son’s bright smile and happy face.

“I love you too, little man,” he said, kissing his head. He hugged him close, closing his eyes as he pressed his face into his son’s thick, soft hair. “You don’t ever doubt how much I love you, dude,” he whispered, smiling sadly as he let go and stood up. “Go say goodbye to your dad,” he said, and Jonah bounced over to Adam, who smiled, hugging him and, once again, reminding him to be good for his grandma before letting him go. 

Leila just gave Tommy a long look, the hugged him as well, startling him some. He smiled sadly, letting her hang on. “Watch after my baby,” he said and she laughed weakly as she let go.

“I will, honey,” she said, heading upstairs to grab some clothes for Jonah before they left.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
After most everybody had left, Adam came back from seeing Brad and Danielle out only to have his brother stand up. “Okay, so what’s all of this weirdness about us staying behind?” he asked, and Lisa nodded.

“Yeah Tommy nearly strangled me when I tried to leave,” she said, glaring at her brother. “I can’t believe you made me wait here instead of leaving with my family,” she said, shaking her head.

“Why did your mother get to leave and I don’t?” Eber complained, yawning. “It’s late as hell.”

Tommy looked at Adam, who walked over to sit next to him. He took Tommy’s hand in both of his, holding it in his lap tightly. “It’s okay baby,” he said, and Tommy nodded, closing his eyes as he just breathed for a moment. Adam felt terrible because he knew Tommy hated that he had to upset his family. It wouldn’t be easy for any of them, but especially not Dia. Tommy hated so bad that he had to put his mother through even more than she had gone through between losing her husband a few years ago and not seeing Tommy very often as it was. “Tommy?” he asked, and Tommy looked up, nodding with a brave look in his eyes.

“Guys, we wanted you to stay back because Leila gave us the opportunity to talk without Jonah around,” he said, biting his lip. “It’s not easy to say this, so I’ll just say it,” he said, looking up, eyes settling, for some reason, on his sister rather than his mother. “I’ve got a brain tumor,” he said in a shaky voice.

Adam was just glad their reactions weren’t as dramatic as his must’ve been. Most of them just gasped, a few hands flying to mouths. Tommy’s mother, predictably, teared up immediately, but she kept her composure without breaking down like Adam had. “That’s why we got married in such a rush,” Adam said softly and Tommy nodded, leaning into his shoulder.

“I asked him when I first found out to elope, but he wanted a wedding and I didn’t want to tell him why at that point so I didn’t push it,” he said, smiling sadly. “But then I found out a few days ago that it’s going to have to be treated and that it might be cancerous so I had to tell him about it,” he said, and Lisa started to cry. Tommy gave her and his mother a brave smile. “But hey, it might not be,” he said, trying to force optimism on them all. “I’m having a biopsy in four days. They’ll know then if it’s malignant or just atypical,” he explained. “The doctor thinks it may have been there since I was a baby, but something in my DNA has changed with age and it made it start growing faster. I’ve been having bad headaches, which is why I went to the doctor in the first place, and they said where it’s at, if it keeps growing, I won’t just have worse headaches, it could disrupt the blood flow to my brain and I’d pretty much have a stroke.”

Eber was the one to speak up, a solemn look on his face. “What if it is cancerous though?” he asked softly.

Tommy shrugged, ducking his head. “It could spread. Other parts of my brain. Maybe into other parts of my body. But they hope the biopsy will tell them it’s not cancerous so it won’t be spreading,” he said with a sad smile.

“Where is it?” Lisa asked, looking afraid of his answer.

Tommy cringed. “Base of my skull. Dr. Jones says an operation is usually the first thing they do for these types of tumors because recurrence isn’t common, but where it’s at, that’s sort of their last ditch effort because it’s in the middle of major arteries to my brain. He says they’ll worry more about how to treat it after the biopsy since the outcome of that could mean totally different things for me.” He looked at Adam. “So, we’re hoping it’s not cancerous and that it’s not so aggressive. They said its really rare that these tumors are so they have more time to treat it without as much damage to the- the healthy brain tissue,” he said, grimacing.

Adam flinched, turning to kiss his head. “It’s okay. It’s good they found out now,” he said bravely and Tommy nodded.

“He said if it had kept growing I could’ve had a stroke or even just woke up one day paralyzed after it reached my brain stem,” he said, looking at their families. “So… so it’s good they caught it now,” he said. “A better-“ He closed his eyes, taking a small breath. “A better chance of survival.”

Neil nodded. “So that’s what today was about, huh?” he asked and Adam nodded, sliding his arm around Tommy, who leaned into his side.

Tommy smiled up at Adam. “I guess I had the thought I might die before I ever get to marry this dude and figured I better get on that, you know?” he said. “I mean, it’s a routine thing but the biopsy involves full anesthesia, going all the way under, so I didn’t want to chance it.”

“I always took for granted we’d just get married some day when we weren’t busy in the future,” Adam said, shrugging. “May as well make damn sure just in case something happens, you know? Hopefully everything is okay and Tommy’s treatments work but… you can’t be sure,” he said with a scared tremor in his voice as he looked at Tommy.

Tommy nodded. “It’s okay, baby,” he said, and Adam swallowed hard, eyes burning as Tommy looked up at him.

“It has to be,” Adam whispered, closing his eyes hard as he pulled Tommy into a hug, clinging to him.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
After everybody was gone, Tommy’s mother finally breaking down and crying into his neck as she hugged him before she left, Adam and Tommy were left emotionally drained. Adam passed the open bathroom door and took one look at the blank look on Tommy’s face as he washed his face before bed and shook his head. He walked over and curled his arms around him, looking at his reflection. “How are you?” he asked softly and Tommy gave him a weak smile.

“I’m okay,” he said, giving him a loving look. “I got married today, so that’s good,” he said, and Adam smiled gently, kissing his neck, tightening his hold around him without looking away from his eyes in the mirror.

“You’re the most amazing husband I could ever have,” he said, and Tommy surprised him by turning to steal a small, tender kiss.

When Tommy turned in his arms, Adam could see the look in his eyes. It was all determination with an edge of desperation. Adam closed his eyes, heart clenching as Tommy slid his hands up Adam’s chest slowly, watching his own hands until one hand curled around the back of Adam’s neck, pulling him into a kiss. Adam closed his eyes, sinking into the kiss as his hands slid to Tommy’s back, pulling him gently into his chest. Tommy licked into his mouth, fingers twisting in his hair. Adam clenched his fingers in the back of Tommy’s shirt, holding him as close as he could, sinking into his husband’s touches.

When the kiss broke and Tommy panted softly after so long without breathing, Adam pressed their foreheads together, just breathing with him. When he opened his eyes, he saw a need in Tommy’s eyes. He slid his hands up Tommy’s arms until they curled around the wrists around his neck. He gently tugged Tommy’s arms down, lacing their fingers together between them before slowly backing up, leading Tommy out into the bedroom. Tommy’s eyes never left Adam’s as they made their way to the bed. 

When he felt the mattress at the back of his legs, Adam sat on the bed, pulling Tommy closer until he was looking down at him. Tommy smiled the smallest of smiles as he stepped between Adam’s knees, kissing him softly, almost gently while his hands slid to the hem of Adam’s shirt. He stroked his fingertips across Adam’s warm skin right under the edge before Adam pulled out of the kiss, making no fuss about reaching back to tug his shirt off, dropping it to the floor as soon as it was off his arms. Tommy slid his hands from Adam’s chest to his neck slowly, letting Adam catch his chin to tip his face down for a small kiss before Adam’s hands wandered to his hips, sliding his shirt up slowly without ever breaking the kiss. 

Adam didn’t break their kiss until Tommy’s shirt was bunched around his chest. Tommy wordlessly raised his arms, letting Adam strip it off over his head. Once the shirt was abandoned to the floor with Adam’s, Adam slid his hands down the planes of Tommy’s back, leaning up for another kiss as he took his time, tracing every curve and angle of Tommy’s torso on the way down to the pajamas he had already changed into. Tommy moaned softly as Adam’s hands slid down the back of his pants, kneading the globes of his ass before Adam pulled his hands back to grab the waist of the pants, tugging them down his hips. 

Tommy stepped back to kick the pants off before crawling onto Adam’s lap, knees pressed into the bed on either side of him. Adam smiled up at him, curling his arms around Tommy, who raked his fingers through Adam’s hair, tilting his lips up for a kiss. Adam smiled against his lips before brushing kisses along his jaw to his ear, tugging slightly at his earring before his lips skated down Tommy’s throat, earning a shiver. Tommy let his head fall back, gasping softly as Adam nibbled at his throat and collar bone before his lips descended further. Tommy arched back, trusting Adam’s hold on him as Adam lapped at his nipple, sucking the small pink bud erect.

“Adam,” Tommy gasped, tugging his head back by the handful of hair he held. He kissed him hard, lapping into his mouth hungrily. He moved his hands to splay across Adam’s chest, pushing him onto his back. Tommy followed him down, grinding their hips together as he sucked on Adam’s tongue, fingertips tracing the tendons of Adam’s neck as they kissed passionately.

Adam rolled them over, sliding off of the bed just long enough to strip out of his pants. Tommy crawled back onto the bed the right way, giving Adam a heavy, intense stare. Adam crawled back onto the bed, immediately seeking out Tommy’s lips. He moved to kneel above Tommy, who immediately lifted his arms to encircle Adam’s shoulders, eyes closed as he spread his legs, waiting for Adam to get with the program.

Adam smiled as he pulled back, sliding a hand up Tommy’s leg slowly, watching the way goose bumps erupted all across Tommy’s body. “So beautiful,” he breathed, breaking the silence as his eyes roved over his husband’s body. He glanced up at the dark, intense gaze Tommy was giving him and wasted no time kissing him again. He placed a kiss to Tommy’s chin, pressing wet kisses down the column of his throat, down his sternum, sucking small, quickly fading marks into his skin as he made his way down his torso slowly.

Adam was interrupted just as he reached Tommy’s hip bone by a tap on his shoulder with something that was most definitely not Tommy’s hand. He turned his head, raising an eyebrow as he saw Tommy holding out the lube. He looked up in amusement and Tommy gave him a shrug, gesturing with the bottle. “Pushy,” Adam teased, taking the tube without any complaint. 

When he first slid his fingers into Tommy’s body, mouthing at the base of Tommy’s erection, he was surprised to feel Tommy tugging at his hair, pulling him off. He looked up and Tommy smiled.

“C’mere,” he said, biting his lip as he looked down at him. Adam raised an eyebrow but crawled up Tommy’s body, kissing him deeply as he prepared him. Tommy moaned softly, panting into his mouth whenever Adam’s fingers twisted just the right way. “Please,” he whispered, breaking the kiss. “Now,” he demanded and Adam nodded, breaking the kiss only long enough to look down long enough to get lined up. As soon as he started to press into Tommy, he looked up, heart thudding heavily as he watched the way Tommy’s head fell back, jaw dropping. “Yes, fuck,” Tommy panted, whining as he held his legs back so that Adam could get in him. 

Adam groaned at the tight heat that he had grown familiar to. He wasted no time catching Tommy’s lips again as soon as he was sure he wasn’t going to come right then and there. Tommy just moaned against his lips, crossing his ankles around Adam’s back, hands sliding into Adam’s thick, soft hair as he kissed him forcefully.

As their movements increased in intensity, Tommy tossed his head back, panting out Adam’s name almost like a plea. “Adam, Adam, Adam-“

“Yeah,” Adam whispered, watching Tommy’s face as he shifted so that he could reach between them to take Tommy into his hand. “Tommy,” he moaned, ducking down to kiss him between whimpers and moans. “Baby, oh God-“

“Adam, I’m close,” Tommy whispered, opening his eyes to look up into those clear, pale eyes he loved so much. “Adam,” he breathed, and Adam fought a wave of affection so strong he felt his eyes watering some at the intensity of the emotions he saw in Tommy’s dark eyes.

“I love you,” Adam choked out, throat tight with emotion. “Fuck, TommyJoe-“

“Love you, love you- Oh God, Adam!” Tommy panted, his head falling back as his nails dug into Adam’s shoulders. “Fuck, Adam, Adam, I love you so much, Oh my God,” he panted, voice straining harder every syllable. “Adam!” he cried, eyes flying open again as he came, looking directly at Adam as his body went tight, every muscle screaming in pleasure as his orgasm swept over him like a crashing wave.

Adam couldn’t hold back any longer, releasing Tommy’s softening erection to clutch at Tommy’s hip, driving into him without any sort of rhythm as he approached his peak. He came with a stuttered cry of Tommy’s name, face pressed into Tommy’s neck. Adam collapsed on top of his spent lover, panting wetly into his neck as his strength left him.

In the wake of his orgasm, Adam’s emotions caught up with him and, before he was fully aware of himself, he came to realize he was crying. Not just tears on his face, but full on, shoulder-shaking, breath hitching crying. Tommy was holding him close, whispering affectionate nothings in his ear as he cried, clinging to Tommy as every emotion he’d been holding in bubbled to the surface.

“Don’t cry, please,” Tommy whispered, pressing a kiss to his ear. “I love you so much, Adam. It’s okay,” he promised, and Adam nodded, sniffling as he lifted himself off of Tommy, afraid he was squishing him. He lay beside him and Tommy immediately rolled to curl his arm around Adam, pressing their faces together. “I love you,” he whispered, pecking his lips.

Adam smiled wetly, curling his arms around Tommy, pulling him onto his chest so that he could hold him as close as possible, cradling his head against his chest. “I love you so much, TommyJoe. You can’t possibly imagine how much you mean to me,” he said, kissing his head.

Tommy smiled and kissed his chest, closing his eyes as he lay his ear over Adam’s heart, listening to the comforting beat beneath him. “Yes I can,” he said softly, welcoming the silence that fell between them. 

It wasn’t an awkward silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable. It was just the right moment to share after so much had been said between them, even if they barely uttered a word.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
In all of the stress of the holidays and then Tommy’s sickness, Adam absolutely forgot about his _job_. It wasn’t until the twenty-ninth, while he was watching Jonah and wondering how the hell he was going to tell Jonah about staying with his Uncle Neil while Dad stayed with Daddy at the hospital the next day and night, when he got a call from Isaac, asking about their New Year’s Eve show.

Adam gaped, nearly dropping his phone. “Oh fuck,” he said, looking up when Jonah yelled ‘swear jar’ at him from the other room. “Isaac, shit, its televised isn’t it?” he asked, and Isaac confirmed that it was. “I guess Tommy didn’t say he had spoken to anybody. I just assumed he talked to you at our wedding the other day. I didn’t even think performances,” he said, shaking his head. “Fuck, Stacey is going to KILL me,” he groaned.

“What’s going on, Adam?” Isaac asked in alarm.

Adam sighed. “We really aren’t going to be performing anytime soon.”

“What?!” Isaac asked. “Adam, we have like, five promo spots between now and February!”

Adam just sighed. “Isaac, Tommy’s sick,” he said simply. “We haven’t told anybody but family and I sort of told one friend when my mom found out, but you’re his best friend, so I can tell you that he’s really sick.”

“Okay, so this new year’s eve show is off, I get that, but the flu or whatever doesn’t last two months,” he started and Adam cut him off.

“No Isaac,” he said gently. “He’s _sick_. Like… the kind he may not get better from.”

Isaac was silent for a moment before Adam heard him call for Sophie. Adam put his face in his hand, pacing while he waited for Isaac to stop asking questions. “Sophie asks what you mean by not better.”

Adam sighed. “He has a brain tumor, Isaac,” he said softly. “Tomorrow he’s having a biopsy to find out if its cancerous or not,” he said and he heard absolute silence on Isaac’s end for a few minutes before Sophie’s voice came through.

“Adam?! Isaac just put down the phone and walked out, what happened?” she asked, and Adam bit his lip.

“Tommy’s got a brain tumor,” he said and she gasped. “We’re waiting to see tomorrow if it’s cancerous or not. But we aren’t performing anytime soon. Even if I do end up having to perform without Tommy while he’s doing treatment and I can’t put it off anymore, until we know what’s going on, I’m _not_ leaving him to deal with all this himself. So for now, we’re not doing anything.”

After a moment Sophie seemed to find her voice and speak. “I’m so sorry, Adam. How’s Jonah?” she asked, and Adam smiled at her concern.

“I haven’t told him. I’m trying to figure out what to tell a four year old, Sophie. I mean, how do I tell him Daddy’s sick and has to go to the hospital without scaring him?” he asked sadly.

“I have no idea, but he’s a smart little boy. He’ll understand well enough I think. Just tell him that his daddy is sick and that he’s going to see a doctor and maybe don’t tell him the part about being in the hospital?” she tried. “Who’s keeping him?”

“My brother is. Tommy’s going to have to stay overnight since it’s an actual surgery since the biopsy means drilling a little hole in his skull to get to his brain. I guess I’ll do that, tell him Daddy’s going to the doctor and then make it seem like his uncle just wants to hang out with him all night,” he said, sitting down heavily. “This is so hard.”

Sophie chuckled sadly. “I can imagine, honey,” she said, and Adam laughed.

“How is this possible, Sophie? I mean… he’s thirty-five years old and he has an illness that happens most of the time to old women. How the fuck did we get this unlucky?” he asked and Sophie sighed.

“Adam, life throws shit in your way so that you appreciate what you’ve got. You guys have an amazing family and I know for a fact that when Tommy beats this shit, neither of you will ever forget how lucky you are,” she said simply and Adam smiled.

“He’s going to be okay. I know it. He just has to be,” he said and Sophie hummed.

“C’mon, this is Tommy Ratliff. Nothing is going to end his little ass this subtly. If he doesn’t end up getting pulverized by some big asshole he pissed off and go out that way, he’s clearly going to be around forever,” she teased, and Adam giggled.

“Thanks Sophie. I need to go but thank you. Really,” he said earnestly.

“Anytime baby.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy felt sick to his stomach as he sat across from Jonah, who was frowning at Adam beside him. “But daddy looks normal, are you sure he’s sick?” he asked, and Tommy chuckled.

“Yeah, I’m sick, buddy,” he said, reaching out to ruffle his hair. “I’m going to the doctor today,” he explained.

“When I’m at Uncle Neil’s?” he asked, and Adam nodded, setting his arm around Jonah’s little waist.

“Yeah, daddy needs to go to the doctor and we figured we may as well get it out of the way while you’re at Uncle Neil’s so we can play when you get back,” he said and Jonah smiled.

“I like Uncle Neil’s house! He’s fun!” he said and Adam rolled his eyes while Tommy giggled.

“Just be sure to tell him daddy thinks he looks funny,” he said and Jonah nodded seriously, though Adam saw him giggle into his hand. It was adorable how much he took after Tommy since they got to spend more time together than he did with Adam. 

“I’m coming home tomorrow though, daddy won’t have to go to the doctor again will he?” he asked and Tommy shook his head.

“Daddy’s gonna be home with you,” he said, then bit his lip. “Although I’ll probably be really tired so I probably won’t get to play with you tomorrow,” he warned. “But don’t worry, I’ll be back to playing with you in no time.”

Jonah just smiled. “Okay daddy!” he said, crawling off the couch to go climb into Tommy’s lap. “Make sure to look out though,” he said in a very serious tone. “Doctors have _shots_!” he said with big eyes. “They poke you with needles!”

Tommy grinned. “Daddy’s not scared of needles, though!” he said, holding out his arm. “You know tattoos are needles.”

Jonah frowned. “But doctors have BIG needles!” he said, and Adam laughed. “DAD! They’re BIG!” he said, giving him a grumpy look.

Adam smiled. “I know, baby,” he said, shaking his head in amusement. 

Jonah just looked at Tommy. “Just watch out for the needles!” he warned one more time and Tommy beamed at how adorable his child was.

“Will do,” he said seriously and Jonah nodded. Tommy laughed, tugging him into a hug. “I love you, Jonah. You’re the sweetest thing,” he said, and Jonah giggled.

“Daddy, I’m not sweet! I’m tough!” he said making a mean face. Tommy snickered.

“Sure you are,” he said, then tickled him, laughing when Jonah squealed and curled up in a ball, wiggling around.

“NO DADDY!” he cried, laughing hysterically. “DAADDYYY!”

Tommy finally stopped, then laughed as Jonah fell back off of his leg and lay on the arm of the chair, eyes shut and tongue poked out, pretending to be dead. Adam laughed and stood up. “You really are your daddy’s little mini,” he said, scooping up Jonah, who squeaked and grabbed onto Adam’s neck. “Alright, we need to go. We’ve gotta take you to Uncle Neil’s before we can go to the doctor,” he said, and Jonah wiggled until Adam let him down.

“YAY! I’m gonna show Uncle Neil the cars Nana got me!” he said, running up to his room to grab his toys.

Adam saw Tommy’s wistful smile and he knelt down beside him. “He’s going to be fine,” he said and Tommy nodded.

“Yeah, he’s a strong kid,” he said, then giggled. “He’s the funniest little shit I’ve ever imagined, too,” he said and Adam snorted, rolling his eyes.

“He’s just as much of a ham as you,” he said, ruffling Tommy’s hair as he stood up. “C’mon, Glitterbaby, we need to leave,” he said, and Tommy nodded.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, standing up as well. “Better get this over with, huh?” he asked, and Adam nodded, kissing his head as he hugged him.

“We’ll be okay. All three of us,” he said and Tommy nodded, giving him a brave smile.

“Yeah, we’ll be fine.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Adam was nervous as hell as he sat with Tommy, waiting on the doctor to call him back. Tommy paced slowly, tugging at his hair absently as he went. Adam smiled at him when he caught his hand, startling Tommy. “It’s okay, baby,” he said, and Tommy sighed, flopping across his lap.

“I’m scared,” he whimpered, pressing his face into Adam’s neck, arms around him.

Adam closed his eyes and held Tommy close, not even caring how hard he was clinging. “I know you are, baby, but you’ll be fine,” he said, kissing his temple. “You’ll be fine and I’ll be right here when you wake up. The minute the doctor lets me see you after you wake up, I’ll be RIGHT there.”

Tommy whined softly, fisting his hand in Adam’s hair. “What if I don’t wake up,” he said, and Adam shushed him.

“You will. You’ll be fine, baby. This is just the first little speed bump,” he said, pulling back to look at him. “You are going to be fine. Then tomorrow night we’ll be sitting at home, watching all the entertainment news people slam us for canceling our show,” he joked.

“They can suck it,” Tommy laughed and Adam kissed him sweetly.

“Yep. Kiss my big, freckled ass,” he said and Tommy laughed again. Every giggle Adam got out of Tommy was worth more than gold. “Tommy, no matter what happens today, I’m right here, okay?” he said, and Tommy nodded, smiling.

“Unless I die,” he said, and Adam glared. “Okay,” Tommy rolled his eyes. “I won’t die, I’ll be fine, happy?” he asked.

“You will,” Adam nodded. “Then whatever the outcome of this thing is, we’ll deal with it. We’ll take whatever measures we have to in order to make sure you get the best medical care you can.” He bumped their noses together affectionately. “The only thing in this world I love more than you is our son. I will do whatever I have to, pay for whatever I have to, and hire whoever I need to to make sure you get better.”

He looked at his eyes and sighed. “You’re an incredible person Adam,” he all but whispered, stroking his fingers through Adam’s hair. “You are the reason I’m a dad, you’re the reason I’m not living on the streets after failing at being a guitarist, and you have given me more happiness than anybody else,” he said, looking from gray eye to gray eye. “The decision to audition for your band was the best decision I ever made and I regret not a single thing since the moment I met you.” 

“I won’t lie, I’m scared. I’m scared I could die, or that I have cancer and it’s going to get worse, or that I’m going to come out of this fucked up for life.” He bit his lip. “But the thing that scares me most-“ Tommy cleared his throat, voice tightening. “The thing that scares me most is the thought of leaving you and Jonah alone to deal with everything. I want to be the man you deserve after everything great you’ve done for me, Adam.” He shook his head, cupping Adam’s cheek in his hand. “If I die, either today or get sick and die later, I won’t get to be as amazing for you as you have been for me.”

Adam sniffled as one tear slipped down his cheek. “You are, Tommy. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he squeaked out, then rolled his eyes, laughing wetly. “Well, Jonah is, but I’d have never got him without you.” He turned to kiss Tommy’s palm. “You never have to be afraid of not being everything I could possibly want from you, Tommy. Sure, be afraid of dying, be afraid of having cancer- I sure as hell don’t want either of those for you, but you _are_ the most amazing man I could ever hope for,” he said firmly. “ _Never_ doubt that.”

Tommy smiled. “I love you, Adam Lambert,” he said simply, making Adam smile.

The door opened and a nurse came in. “Mr. Ratliff? We’re ready for you now,” she said, and Tommy sighed, standing up. Adam stood up as well, wiping at his cheeks as Tommy took out his earrings and handed them to Adam. He took off his necklaces and wrapped them around Adam’s neck, hooking them.

“Watch these for me,” he said and Adam nodded solemnly. “Well, here goes nothing,” Tommy said, and Adam smiled bravely.

“Good luck, TommyJoe,” he said, leaning in to kiss Tommy tenderly, cupping his face with his free hand. “I’ll be waiting for you to wake up,” he said. “Love you.”

Tommy smiled back, nodding. “Love you too.” Tommy sighed and turned to follow the nurse. “Alright,” he said to her bravely. “Let’s do this.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Adam was sitting with his elbows on his knees, biting at his thumbnail nervously when the doctor himself came out with a clipboard in his hands. Adam jumped up. “Hey, nobody’s been out to tell me anything about Tommy,” he said, and Dr. Jones held up a hand.

“He’s fine,” he said and Adam relaxed a little.

“Oh, okay, that’s good. I just… nobody has said anything,” he said, running a hand through his hair.

Dr. Jones smiled sympathetically. “Well, he was fine through the biopsy and he was moved into recovery. It’ll still be a little while before he’s fully back to reality, but I do have the results of the biopsy back,” he said and Adam blinked.

“Already? I mean… I figured it would at least take overnight-“

Dr. Jones shook his head. “No, with a lab equipped for it on site, the actual testing only takes a few hours. It only took a short while to get the biopsy sample and it was sent off before we even started caring for the surgical entrance in your partner’s scalp-“

“Husband,” Adam corrected absently, not really wanting to hear about the hole they had to drill in Tommy’s _skull_.

“Pardon?” Dr. Jones asked, looking up from his clipboard.

Adam sighed. “Husband. We got married,” he said, and Dr. Jones blinked, then smiled.

“Well congratulations on that,” he said, then tapped the page. “Anyways, the point is, the pathologist just sent these down,” he explained. “The good news is, the tumor in your husband’s brain is noncancerous,” he said, and Adam felt relief flood his veins.

“Oh, oh that’s good,” he said, sighing.

The doctor nodded. “Definitely. It always means less concern about recurrence if we can get rid of it all,” he added. “From this point, since we now know that most likely the growth change was age-related, we can start considering treatments.” Adam nodded and the doctor smiled. “We’ll worry more about that later on, since we definitely need Tommy fully clear-minded for discussion on his treatments.”

Adam nodded again, distracted by thoughts racing through his mind. “When can I see him?” he asked, and the doctor looked at his watch.

“He should be moved into a room very soon. As soon as he’s settled in and I’ve checked on him, I’ll have someone bring you in,” he answered. He smiled at Adam comfortingly. “He’s okay,” he reassured and Adam smiled. “If I may suggest something,” he started and Adam laughed.

“Of course,” he said, and the doctor nodded at the door.

“If you’ve got anybody you need to call go ahead and do it now. Though people do it anyways, we don’t allow cellphone use in the rooms so once you go see your husband, I doubt you’ll want to walk outside to talk to concerned family.”

Adam smiled. “Thank you, Dr. Jones,” he said, shaking the doctor’s hand before taking the man’s advice.

As soon as he got outside, he skirted past the couple smoking so that he was far enough around the corner of the building nobody overheard him. He first called Dia, knowing if anybody, she deserved to hear about her son first.

As soon as she answered, her first words were expected. “Is Tommy okay?!”

Adam laughed softly. “Yes, he’s okay!” he said, then shook his head. “It’s not cancerous. That’s- that’s one obstacle we swerved and missed,” he said and she let out a sigh of relief.

“Oh thank God. What have they decided then?” she asked and he explained all that the doctor had told him.

“And I guess we’ll talk about treatment options when Tommy’s fully clear-headed. The doctor says he’s still coming off the anesthesia,” he explained and Dia groaned.

“I’m so relieved he is okay. He was so scared, Adam. He was terrified of surgery. I was so scared for him,” she said and Adam nodded to himself, as she couldn’t see him.

“He hates hospitals. He hates doctors and hospitals and I’m so upset he has to deal with this,” Adam said. “I’d honestly rather it was me just because he hates hospitals. I can only imagine how scared he was when he left me. I tried my best to keep him calm but when he left to go get prepped for the biopsy, I worried myself nearly sick over how scared he must’ve been.”

Dia chuckled. “Well it’s your job, honey. God, just imagine my end, imagine if it was Jonah-“

“Fuck no,” Adam groaned, shaking his head. “That isn’t even something I want to imagine for a second. My God, I’m so sorry for _you_ because I won’t even joke, if Jonah is ever sick like this I would probably just die. I wouldn’t even have to kill myself, I’d actually just stop breathing and die at the very idea of my baby being sick,” he said, tugging at his hair.

“Pretty much,” Dia said and Adam rolled his eyes. “Alright, I’ll be there after work. I’ll let you call your mom, I’m sure poor Leila’s worried half to death about you boys,” she said and Adam sighed.

“Alright, I’ll be sure to tell Tommy you’re coming as soon as you get off of work, not in the morning,” he said, saying goodbye before hanging up to call his mom and relay the same message.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Adam had taken time to get a bag of chips and a water from a vending machine, since he hadn’t eaten lunch, and was just coming back into the waiting room when a nurse came up to the nurses’ station, only to be directed towards Adam. Adam stood up as soon as he saw the lady look his way. “Mr. Lambert?” she asked and he walked over.

“Yes?” he asked and she gave him a smile.

“Dr. Jones says you can come see your husband now,” she said and Adam sighed, following on the nurse’s heels as she led the way. When they got to a room down the hall, the first thing Adam saw was almost comical. 

Tommy was sitting in a hospital bed with a bucket in his lap, glaring at the doctor looking every bit like a grumpy housecat. “Never. Again,” he said, spitting into the bucket, only to groan as he ducked into the pail with a heave.

Adam cringed as he walked in. “Hey TommyJoe,” he said and Tommy lifted his head long enough to look at Adam before ducking into the pail again, his heaves echoing from the bucket.

Dr. Jones smiled apologetically. “Seems the nurse figured he was off the anesthesia long enough for him to have some jello and it wasn’t quite long enough,” he said, and Tommy groaned loudly into the bucket.

“I’m never eating jello again for the rest of my life, Adam. I don’t care if I live to be so old I have no teeth to eat solids, I will never. Eat. Jello. Again,” he swore and Adam chuckled, sitting down in a chair he pulled up beside the bed.

Adam reached out and laid his hand on Tommy’s arm, just to show he was there. “You’ll be okay soon, Glitterbaby,” he said and Tommy resurfaced, grabbing the towel off the bed beside him to wipe his mouth before settling back slowly, bucket abandoned between his thighs. Adam saw the bandages taped across the left-ish side of the back of his head behind his ear. “How do you feel, besides the barfing?” he asked, and Tommy just sighed.

“Like the time I stole Taylor’s drink in Japan and it turned out somebody had tried to roofie him,” he said and Adam snorted, rolling his eyes.

“I remember that,” he said and the doctor shot them an unimpressed look. “Hey, at least Tommy drank it at the table!” he defended. “If our friend had drank the roofied drink and went dancing, he’d have ended up in a bathtub full of ice or something!” he said, and Tommy chuckled weakly.

“Doc, I think if it comes down to another fully under surgery or death,” Tommy started, closing his eyes. “I’ll just die,” he said heavily.

Adam let out a scoff, rolling his eyes. “The hell you will, I’m NOT going to tell my son ‘daddy is dead because he was too much of a pussy to have surgery’ TommyJoe,” he teased and Tommy smiled at him, still looking pretty rough. Adam caught his hand, squeezing. “How are you really feeling?”

Tommy shrugged weakly. “Tired.” He looked up. “So, the doctor here tells me I don’t have cancer, Adam. That’s good,” he said and Adam nodded.

“Yeah I heard,” he said, patting Tommy’s thigh. “At least that’s one bullet dodged. Now we just have to see how close to home the others hit,” he said and Tommy looked over at the doctor.

“How’s it lookin’? Head shot or flesh wound?” he asked bluntly.

Doctor Jones chuckled. “Nice analogy,” he said, shaking his head. “Well, as we suspected, the tumor is located very near to your middle-cerebral artery. Surgery is theoretically _possible_ but honestly, I wouldn’t feel comfortable performing this surgery unless it is a last resort,” he said, and Tommy nodded.

“What are my option then? Euthanasia?” he asked and Adam snickered.

“You’re even more of a smartass when you’re coming off sedation,” he realized, earning a smirk from Tommy.

“Yeah, you get dosed up with sleeping-drought and see how much you like it, Babyboy! Pretty sure I can find some chloroform to attack you with when you least expect it,” he said, earning a laugh from the doctor.

“You watch a lot of westerns,” he realized and Adam burst out laughing.

“He really does,” he confirmed, giving Tommy an affectionate smile. “We’re teasing, baby,” he said and Tommy sighed.

“Give it to me straight, Doc. What’re we looking at? I mean… what are my chances and how rough is it gonna get?” he asked, getting straight to the point.

Doctor Jones took a breath and gave him an appraising look. “You’re probably healthy enough for stereotactic radiosurgery, but the tumor is just too large. Usually this procedure is used to get whatever the surgery couldn’t get all of, such as when the tumor is near important brain centers,” he explained. “That would only take a few hours, fully outpatient. But like I said, I don’t think you’re a candidate for it since your tumor is four and a half centimeters,” he said and Tommy nodded.

“Okay, what’s next?” he asked adamantly.

Doctor Jones nodded. “Fractionated and intensity-modulated radiotherapy,” he explained. “Basically, it’s a treatment that directs radiation at the tumor to destroy the cells while leaving healthy brain cells mostly un-damaged. Now,” he started. “It won’t remove the destroyed cells, but it will prevent the tumor from getting larger and making your symptoms worse. So far, the only thing you’ve had is headaches. We can give you medication to manage those and, as long as the tumor remains inactive, the bigger risks to your motor-functions and blood flow to the brain won’t be a problem anymore.”

Tommy nodded. “That’s not so bad, I mean… being alive is sort of my priority,” he pointed out and Adam smiled at him uneasily.

“Radiation of his brain? Isn’t that sort of not the best thing?” he asked, confused.

Doctor Jones shook his head. “With intensity-modulated radiotherapy we can almost guarantee that only the tumor is even effected. The radiation is basically shaped to the tumor itself. And since it’s fractionated- which means spread out over time-, there’s little to no chance of healthy brain tissue being damaged,” he explained. “We would spread it out six days a week, one treatment per day, for five weeks,” he said. “Each treatment wouldn’t take long at all each day and most likely your side-effects will be so minimal you can carry on with your normal life.”

Tommy nodded. “Okay. We can try that then. I mean, whatever we have to do,” he said and Adam nodded.

“Yeah, whatever it takes, we’ll make it happen,” he said, holding Tommy’s hand tight within his own grasp.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Dr. Jones wanted to start treatments right away, so just into the new year Tommy went in to get fitted for the mold that would hold his head steady during the treatments to keep him from moving. The first few treatments left Tommy feeling slightly nauseated and increased his headaches somewhat, but the doctor was hopeful that it would work in the end.

Jonah was proving to be more perceptive than either Adam or Tommy were comfortable with, though. When Tommy woke up and was tired and nearly always had a headache, before he was able to take medicine, Jonah always crawled up into his lap, curling up against his daddy’s chest without saying anything. After several days, Tommy had to laugh and ask what he was doing.

The answer he got made his heart hurt some.

“Dad says hugs make people feel better and you’re sick,” he said simply, curling his arms around his father’s neck, pressing his face into his chest. “I don’t like you being sick, Daddy. Being sick is stupid,” he said and Tommy closed his eyes, hugging Jonah close.

“I’m alright, just a little tired, big man.” Tommy smiled. “I love you though, you know? You definitely help with the hugs,” he said and Jonah smiled at him.

“Good!” he said, then frowned. “Why are you still sick, Daddy? I thought you went to the doctor a while ago,” he said, and Tommy smiled sadly.

“Well, the doctor’s giving me medicine. That’s where I go every day, to get more medicine,” he said, and Jonah looked even more confused.

“But medicine is supposed to make you better. Why aren’t you better?” he asked, pouting.

Tommy just bit his lip. “Well, it’s just taking a while. It’s gonna take a little while but I’ll get better,” he said, petting his head. “Don’t worry, dude. I’ll be better soon, I think.”

Jonah just nodded. “Okay,” he said, turning to face the TV, sitting with his head back against his father’s shoulder. “Daddy, put it on cartoons!” he said and Tommy smiled, kissing Jonah’s head as he grabbed the remote from beside him.

“Alright, whatever you want little man,” he said and Jonah smiled when the channel changed to something with bright colors and funny sounds.

“Thank you, Daddy!” he said, tugging Tommy’s arm around him as he settled against his father’s body, clearly not planning on leaving anytime soon. Tommy just closed his eyes as his head throbbed, pressing his face into his son’s soft hair until the worst of the wave passed. 

Jonah was right, though. Having him in his arms reminded Tommy why it was all worth it. Nothing was too much to endure if it meant being around for the best things in life. And Jonah was by far the best thing in Tommy’s life.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Near the middle of January, Tommy first started to notice that, when he washed his hair, the clumps of hair in his hands were a bit more than the usual shedding he encountered. He also noticed, his hairbrush seemed to look more like a shedding brush for a dog.

The first spot where he realized he was losing his hair was the patch on the back of his head where the radiation treatments were directed. The doctor warned him that it could result in thinning at the sight of radiation, and he wasn’t too worried since the back and sides of his head were still shaved. 

The trouble came when the hair falling out in clumps began to come from further up. At first it was just in a zone outside the radiation area. But during the third week of treatment, Tommy had come to realize he was barely hanging onto thin, scraggly locks on top. He couldn’t understand why nobody had said anything about it yet. He was hiding it as best he could, wearing hoodies with the hood up, occasionally stealing Adam’s hats, but he knew Adam had to have noticed his hair was falling out.

It wasn’t until a picture of him when he was out picking up groceries and his hat flew off surfaced on the internet that the reality hit him…

He was basically clinging to a comb over.

The speculation was _rampant_. From their halt to public appearances and performances, to their radio silence on twitter, and now photos of Tommy looking skinnier than ever with barely any hair left, the rumor mill was bursting with ideas of what it could be. From drug addiction to an eating disorder, people went insane with their ideas.

The next day after his treatment, he asked the doctor about his hair loss being so widespread and the doctor gave him a sad smile.

“Well Tommy, it isn’t as common, but some people do exhibit more widespread hair loss due to the treatments. It will be temporary though, don’t worry,” he reassured with a smile. “I mean, when we finish this week’s treatments, we’re going to do a new set of MRI and CT scans to see if the tumor has stopped growing. It was growing fast enough that we should know after only the past few weeks to go on if it’s grown or not. As long as the treatments work, you should grow your hair back not too long after the treatments end,” he explained.

Tommy just swallowed hard, nodding as he pulled his hat on, somewhat terrified to realize he didn’t have to brush his bangs out of the way because they were mostly wispy, straggly strands.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
It was his mother who finally convinced him to give up on what hair he had left. “Honey,” she said gently as they ate lunch together. “It looks bad,” she said with an apologetic look. “Just… shave it all off now, let it grow back later. If you leave it like this, it’s nothing better than old guys fighting to keep comb overs, you know?”

Tommy just swallowed hard, biting his lip. “Okay,” he all but whispered, letting her take him to get his head shaved. He closed his eyes as the hairdresser ran the clippers over his head. Every chunk of hair he felt fall past his face made him want to puke. 

His hair was half of who he was. He had always loved his hair. Even when it wasn’t his trademark ‘pony hair’ as Jonah liked to call it, he had always been the one with the cool hair. Since he was a teenager, his hair was second only to his body art. He felt another strand brush past his nose and he could only think of how many times people sat down beside him just to play with his hair. All of his friends liked to touch his soft hair, ruffling it affectionately, braiding it when they were bored. Half of the random cuddles he got was because he knew they would play with his hair and ignore him using them as a heater.

Adam loved his hair. Adam had always loved his hair. Adam had been playing with his hair about twenty-minutes after they met. He first started calling Tommy a kitty because of how much he loved having head-rubs after Adam had abused his scalp on stage. Adam loved to watch Tommy tuck his hair behind his ears. He never had the words to explain why, but Tommy never once failed to look up and see a smile on Adam’s face after he had tucked his hair behind his ear. When they fell asleep at night, half of the time Adam had one hand tangled in Tommy’s hair.

Tommy felt like part of him was disappearing with every pass of the clippers over his head. He could hear his mother chatting away with the hairdresser, and he knew she didn’t understand. He knew why it was necessary to shave it off and then wait for it to grow back, but she didn’t understand how much it hurt to lose something that was a _part_ of who he was.

“All done!” the hairdresser said, running her hands over his head to check that she hadn’t missed any.

When Tommy opened his eyes, his first thought before he even felt the crush of loss was the one he blurted out, eyes wide. “I look like Natalie Portman!” he cried and his mother snickered while the hairdresser tilted her head.

“Hmm, you sort of do,” she recognized.

However, after the initial mind-fuck moment, Tommy looked over his face. He didn’t look like him anymore. His face was fully exposed. No bangs to cover one eye. His forehead looked huge. He looked up at the top of his head and had to blink hard, swallowing a wave of nausea as he realized he was well and truly buzzed. When he looked back at his face, he would only imagine how everybody would react. He wondered if Jonah would even recognize him at first.

Tommy wanted to cry as he handed of his money for the haircut and saw his reflection in the mirror behind the cashier. He was skinny, grey-skinned, and now bald. He wondered if he could look any closer to a corpse if he was actually dead.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Tommy got home and found Adam sitting on the couch, listening to Jonah read one of the children’s books Adam was teaching him with, he couldn’t even find the strength to keep it together in front of Jonah as he walked over and slid down full into Adam’s lap, curling his arms around Adam’s neck as he fought tears. He refused to cry in front of Jonah, but he needed Adam too much to not seek the comfort he needed.

Adam gasped, freezing. “Tommy?” he asked softly and Tommy just shook his head, his hat knocking against Adam’s ear. Adam pushed him back some and frowned as he grabbed the hat, pulling it off of Tommy’s head. He gasped as he saw Tommy’s head and Tommy clenched his eyes shut, afraid if he looked at Adam’s face he would break down crying right there. “Oh baby,” he whispered, pulling Tommy into a hug.

“Daddy?” Jonah asked and Tommy sniffled hard, blinking as he straightened up, forcing his tears to stay put. He looked over at Jonah and forced a smile. 

“Hey buddy,” he said and Jonah just stared at him with wide eyes.

“Daddy, what happened to your hair?!” he asked, mouth hanging open as he stared.

Tommy forced out a weak laugh. Jonah had never seen him without his trademark bangs. “I just got a haircut, dude,” he said, reaching out to ruffle his hair. “Daddy’s hair was sort of looking bad so Nana convinced me to just cut it off. Let it grow back the right way,” he said.

Adam’s fingers dug into Tommy’s sides. “Jonah, sweetie, go play for a minute, okay?” he asked and Jonah gave him a confused look but shrugged, sliding off the couch with his book, bouncing off into the hall. As soon as Jonah was gone, Tommy stopped fighting and let the tears fall, crushing his face into Adam’s neck as his shoulders shook. Adam shushed him, curling his arms around him tightly. “Tommy, Tommy what’s wrong?” he asked, and Tommy sat back, giving him a dark look. “What?!”

Tommy ran a hand over his hair, fighting a wave of tears as there was nothing but fuzz. “I can’t- I can’t deal with this,” he cried and Adam sighed. “My _hair_ ,” he cried softly, pressing his face into his hands.

Adam shook his head. “No, baby,” he whispered, pulling him into a kiss, not even flinching when his hand cupped the back of Tommy’s head and found no hair. “Hey, look at me,” he said and Tommy blinked through the tears streaming down his face. “You are _beautiful_ no matter what,” he pressed and Tommy shook his head.

“I look like a corpse, Adam. I’m- I’m skinny and pale-“

“You were always pale,” Adam argued and Tommy glowered.

“I’m _gray_!” he hissed. “I’m pale and bald! I’m BALD!” he cried angrily, shaking his head. “Adam, I’m fucking bald. My _hair_!” he cried and Adam shushed him, cradling him against his chest as he pressed his lips to Tommy’s temple.

“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. As long as you get better, this doesn’t _matter_ ,” he said forcefully, gasping when Tommy let out a sob, clinging even harder to Adam. “TommyJoe, please don’t cry,” Adam begged, kissing his ear. “I promise you, you’re _beautiful_. You are so much more than a hairdo. And honestly,” he said gently. “It was looking pretty bad,” he admitted.

Tommy sniffled. “I know. My mom- my mom convinced me to give up. She told me I had a comb over,” he sniffled and Adam laughed gently.

“Yeah, you really did, Glitterbaby. I just didn’t want to upset you,” he said and Tommy sat back, blinking through wet eyelashes to look at Adam. Adam let out a soft murmur, reaching up to wipe the tears from Tommy’s cheeks with his thumbs, holding Tommy’s face in his hands. “TommyJoe, you’re the love of my life, okay? If anybody thinks you’re less than beautiful, they can kiss my ass, okay?”

Tommy sniffled. “Well… at least I look like Natalie Portman, not Britney Spears,” he said with a wet giggle and Adam laughed.

“Yep, there sure is that,” he said, giving Tommy a loving smile. Tommy sighed heavily, wiping at his face as he glanced down at his lap. “Hey, don’t worry about it,” he said and Tommy nodded weakly. 

“I’m worried Jonah will be upset,” Tommy admitted. “He’s never even seen me with another hairstyle. I mean… how the hell would you feel if your dad’s hair was suddenly drastically different than anything you’ve ever seen?” he asked and Adam snickered.

“My dad has a mullet when I was little,” he said, and Tommy smirked evilly. 

“Alright, that would definitely be more traumatic for Jonah,” he joked and Adam grinned.

“That’s my TommyJoe,” he whispered, looking into his eyes. “You’re perfect, beautiful, and it’s nothing that your hair is different, okay?” he prompted and Tommy rolled his eyes.

“It isn’t nothing,” he said sadly. “It’s… it’s a lot,” he pushed. “I’m- my hair is almost as much of ME as my tattoos and piercings, Adam. Sure, maybe in the grand scheme it’s not such a big deal, but to me, I feel naked. I feel wrong. It’s… it’s just not _me_.”

Adam just hugged him close. “What can I do to prove that you’re still just as much you as you ever were?” he asked and Tommy shrugged weakly.

“Just… promise you still love me, even without being as pretty,” he said bashfully, cheeks slightly pink.

Adam’s breath caught around the lump in his throat as he looked at Tommy. “Tommy…” He pulled him into a bone crushing hug, clinging. “You asshole, I will love you no matter what, okay? You could probably go on a killing spree and I’d still love you.” Tommy snickered and Adam smiled. “I’d call the cops and turn you in, definitely, but I’d still love you. I will always love you, okay? Don’t you DARE think how you look will ever make me not love you,” he swore, growling slightly at the _idea_ that he could love his husband less just because he had no hair. “You are TommyJoe Ratliff,” he said, kissing his temple. “You’re the most amazing person I know, you’re extremely talented, you’re the most caring person I can think of, you’re the other father to my son, and you are my _husband_. Nothing will ever matter as long as you are you, TommyJoe. Nothing.”

Tommy smiled. “I love you, Adam,” he said softly, closing his eyes. “Thank you.”

Adam chuckled. “No trouble at all, honey. It’s what I’m for.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
For the last two weeks of the treatments, Tommy was clearly worn out. Adam had noticed he didn’t seem to eat much anymore. Adam would convince him to eat by offering him stuff off his plate, which Tommy begrudgingly ate, but he was thinner than ever. The headaches seemed to be getting worse if anything else. Even his medication didn’t do much more than dampen them. 

It scared Adam even more how depressed he seemed to be getting. 

He never seemed to get over the shock of looking in the mirror and seeing himself shaved. Adam wanted more than anything to make him stop wearing hats everywhere but Tommy refused. He kept catching Tommy staring at their photos in the hall and he knew Tommy was _really_ upset about his hair. What was worse was that Jonah was noticing and Adam _hated_ seeing Jonah staring at Tommy with a sad look. He could only imagine how confusing it was for Jonah to see his daddy walking around as a shell of the man he usually was. Tommy was usually such a vibrant person and Jonah had no experience with anything less out of his father.

Adam didn’t really appreciate how smart and perceptive Jonah was, however, until the day they said goodbye to a hat-wearing Tommy as he left to go get his treatment for the day and Jonah waited a second before tugging on Adam’s hand after the door shut. “Dad!” he said, his eyes bright and excited. Adam could see the ‘eureka’ look on his face that he got when he figured something out.

“What is it, Jonah?” Adam asked, looking down at him.

Jonah grabbed him around the leg, beaming up at him. “I know how to make daddy feel better!” he said, and Adam raised an eyebrow.

“You do, huh?” he asked in amusement.

Jonah nodded. “Yeah! Daddy feels like he looks funny without any hair, right? Well,” he said, grinning like he knew the best secret ever. “If I cut off all my hair, daddy won’t be the only one that doesn’t have hair! So then he won’t feel bad anymore. Isn’t that a good idea, Dad?” he asked, giving Adam a wide-eyed look as he sought reassurance that he was right.

Adam, however, felt his heart _stop_. He looked down at Jonah and felt such an overwhelming sense of emotion he slid down to his knees, staring at Jonah in wonder. “You- you want to cut off your hair to make your daddy feel better?” he asked breathlessly.

Jonah nodded, smiling smugly. “Pretty good idea, huh?” he asked, and Adam bit his lip.

“But don’t you think you’ll look funny?” he asked and Jonah shrugged.

“I don’t care if it makes Daddy happy again,” he said simply.

Adam just felt his chest tightening as he let out a small burst of shocked laughter. “You are such an amazing person, Jonah Alexander Lambert,” he whispered, pulling his son into his arms, holding him close. “God, you have such a big heart, baby,” he gushed, kissing his head. 

“So can I?” Jonah asked, and Adam pulled back, looking into his big blue eyes for a long time before answering.

“C’mon, let’s go get dressed,” he said, standing up, nodding at the stairs. Jonah smiled and rushed past him, running upstairs as fast as his little legs would carry him. Adam knew it was reckless, he knew it would get him a lot of shit, especially since the Grammy’s were only a week away, but he didn’t care about anything else except how much he cared about his family.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Tommy got home to find his son and husband both bald, he was shocked to say the least. He stood in the doorway staring with his jaw somewhere in the vicinity of his feet until Jonah jumped up and ran over. “Daddy! Daddy look! Me and Dad cut off all our hair too!” he said, and Adam gave Jonah an adoring look that confused Tommy.

“I see that,” Tommy said, taking Jonah’s hand as he walked over to the couch where Adam was sitting. “But why?” he asked, and Jonah gave Tommy an extremely pleased smile.

“Cause you were sad about lookin’ weird but now we all look weird so you don’t have to be sad anymore,” he said simply, crawling into the spot between Adam and Tommy. “See, I told Dad I wanted to cut off all my hair so you aren’t sad anymore and then when we went to the hair-cutting place he cut his off too!” he said, and Adam saw the moment it sunk in to Tommy exactly what his son had done for him.

“But… don’t you miss your pretty black hair?” Tommy asked breathlessly, watching Jonah with a look so deep Adam felt it himself.

Jonah shrugged. “It’s just hair. I want you to be happy a lot more than I want my dumb hair,” he said, and Adam smiled widely, tears burning his eyes as he watched a beautiful, love-filled, brilliant smile light up his husband’s face as he swept Jonah into his arms.

“I love you so much,” Tommy choked out, beaming as he held Jonah close, laughing somewhat breathlessly as he looked up at Adam. “You guys-“ he choked out, shaking his head.

Adam just nodded at Jonah. “It was all him, Glitterbaby. He came up with the idea, I just took him to get it done and figured he’s right, it’s just stupid hair,” he said, and Tommy let go of Jonah with one arm to reach out and grab Adam’s shirt, tugging him into a quick kiss, which made Adam laugh, nearly falling on top of them.

Jonah let out a squeak. “EW DADDY!” he cried and Adam laughed, pulling away long enough for Jonah to wiggle out of Tommy’s arms, giving him a grumpy look. “Kissing is ICKY!” he said, making a face. “Ew, I’ve got GEERRRMMMS!” he cried, wiggling around like he was trying to shake off the gross of being beside them when his parents kissed.

Tommy grinned. “Kisses are ew, huh?” he asked, then winked at Adam before grabbing Jonah, attacking him with kisses all over his face, making Jonah squeal and flail, trying to escape. 

Adam nearly fell over laughing as he watched Jonah turning red, trying his best to get away. “DADDY!” he whined, only to go limp, falling over against Adam’s knee with a ‘twitch’ for effect as he played dead.

“Now look what you did,” Adam teased, winking at Tommy.

Jonah sat up, looking at Adam with an impish giggle. “Dad, you should’ve left your hair,” he said, and Adam frowned.

“What? Why?” he demanded, raising an eyebrow.

Jonah giggled, putting his hands over his mouth gleefully. “You have really big ears!” he said, and Tommy looked at Adam, then bit back a wave of giggles, falling over against the couch with Jonah, who rolled into his daddy’s side, both of them giggling as they looked at Adam.

Adam just huffed, crossing his arms. “Shut up,” he said, pouting dramatically. “I was just trying to make daddy feel better,” he said and Jonah shook his head.

“Daddy really can’t feel bad about it anymore, you look like Dumbo!” he proclaimed and Tommy cracked up, doubling over as Adam gaped at Jonah, looking offended.

“You little booger!” he said, grabbing Jonah, tickling him despite his squeals and protests. “I’ll show you funny looking,” he said, and Jonah just giggled madly as Adam held him down and tickled him.

Adam let him go after a while, laughing down at him breathlessly, only to look up and catch Tommy smiling at them with a wider, happier smile than he had seen on his husband’s face in ages. Dumbo ears be damned, it was worth it to see Tommy look like that again.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The day of the Grammy’s coincided with the last treatment Tommy had. They decided that rather than Tommy bother trying to get ready and come with Adam after his treatment, he would stay home and Adam would just go with his mom as his date for the night.

Adam expected tons of shock over his hair-cut and he got plenty of strange looks, but he didn’t really care how badly his ears stuck out. He had several red-carpet interviews before it actually came up though, which he hadn’t expected.

“So Adam! All the talk is about your hair! What happened to it?” the woman asked. “Bad hairdresser?” she joked. “Dye problem?”

Adam laughed, smiling. “No, actually I did this on purpose,” he said, getting ready to break the news. 

They had talked about it being time to come clean after all the gossip and their long silence. Tommy had agreed and had posted a tweet, his first in over a month, as soon as the first person asked ‘where is @TommyJoeRatliff? He’s not with @AdamLambert’ explaining he was staying home with their son after having a treatment for his illness. He texted Adam as soon as he sent it, so Adam was ready to talk about it.

“On purpose?” she asked, looking surprised.

Adam nodded. “Yeah, my son actually gave me the idea,” he started, keeping it casual sounding, almost like he wasn’t dropping a bomb. “You see, my husband is sick,” he started, and the woman gave him a sympathetic look. “He has a brain tumor and the treatments made him start losing his hair, so our son decided he wanted to shave his head so his daddy felt better and I figured ‘hey, I should totally do that too’, so I did,” he said, shrugging with a smile. “I’m just showing support for my husband and it happened to coincide with tonight,” he said, laughing at her expression.

“Is he here with you tonight?” she asked, and Adam shook his head.

“No, he’s at home with our son, resting,” he said, then smiled at the camera, blowing a kiss. “Hi Tommy, hi Jonah! Love you guys!” 

Adam heard murmurs all around him start and he heard shutters clicking madly, but all in all he was pleased with how he had managed the situation and he knew Tommy was ready to have the truth out anyways.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy just stared at the image, barely breathing. “So… it’s…” he trailed off and Dr. Jones put a hand on his shoulder.

“I am so sorry, Tommy,” he said solemnly.

Tommy just looked at the MRI image and shook his head in frustration as the words ‘five centimeters’ echoed through his head.. “But- five weeks of intensive radiotherapy and- and nothing?!” he asked, and the doctor nodded apologetically.

“I’m sorry, but it didn’t even slow it down. If I didn’t know for a fact the biopsy results were non-cancerous, I would be convinced this was an aggressive cancer.” He walked over to take down another scan, bringing it to show Tommy. “At this point, we don’t have as much left to try,” he said gently and Tommy nodded blankly as he looked at the scan.

“So… what are my options?” he asked, looking up at the doctor.

Dr. Jones opened a book on his desk. “Well, there’s surgery still, but now more than ever, it’s close to major arteries. The risks are… very high,” he said, looking up. “There’s been experimental instances in which a form of chemotherapy could possibly shrink the tumor a little, but it’s not a sure science. There were patients who had no effect and even patients that developed other forms of cancer from the medication. It’s a very much debated field of research,” he explained. “It could shrink the tumor as much as fifteen percent, or it could do nothing.”

Tommy nodded. “If there’s a chance, we can try,” he said, and Dr. Jones nodded.

“You could. But it’s very much harder on you than the radiation, Tommy. The drug I’m talking about is called Hydroxyurea and the side effects are harsh,” he said. “It’s made to treat deadly disorders such as Sickle Cell and AIDS, but the side effects include everything from every digestive disruption you can imagine all the way to liver and kidney failure or even leukemia,” he pressed. “Even if it shrinks your tumor, the risks are deadly at the worst and disruptive at the least.” He shook his head. “You thought the nausea and hair loss you’ve faced so far are bad, but this could result in you needing to be kept on a fluid IV because you can’t keep anything in you. You would experience anorexia to the point of being too weak to walk, possibly.” Dr. Jones put a hand on his shoulder. “You have the option of taking this course, I can’t tell you not to seek whatever treatments you want, but I really want to make sure you realize how dangerous this is. The treatment might help, or it might kill you.”

Tommy ducked his head. “What else can we do?” he asked weakly, rubbing his eyes with his palms. “I can’t just… just let this kill me,” he said, looking up. “I can’t leave my family without fighting,” he said, and Dr. Jones walked around to check, his calendar.

“How about this. Let’s give it three more weeks. At the rate your tumor is growing, any change will be clear in that time. In three weeks, if there isn’t a late-stop from the radiation, we’ll look into whatever other treatments are possible, okay?”

Tommy just nodded. “Alright, but I won’t give up,” he said, looking up with a determined look. He had suffered so much already because of the tumor in his brain and his own determination to not leave his husband and son alone. He wouldn’t do it. He would rather face liver failure and wasting away than give up and wait until he had a stroke. Adam and Jonah deserved more and Tommy was _not_ going to give up just yet.

Dr. Jones smiled at his braveness. “I wouldn’t want you too.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Adam sat down heavily, staring at Tommy with hopelessness in his eyes. “Didn’t work?” he breathed and Tommy nodded. “Fuck,” he breathed, shaking his head. “But… Tommy it was supposed to work,” he said, and Tommy shrugged. “No, you don’t get it, it was supposed to _work_!” he said, voice getting tight. “You- you can’t get _worse_ , you’re supposed to get better.”

“I know, Adam,” Tommy said, walking over to sit down beside him on the foot of the bed. “It’s bigger. It’s…. not good,” he said weakly. He looked down at his lap. “There’s- there was a small margin of success at a form of chemotherapy-“

“Then we’ll do that,” Adam said almost desperately. “Whatever it takes, we’ll do it,” he said, and Tommy shook his head.

“We could, but he said it could kill me,” he said with an apologetic shrug. “He said- he said the side-effects would pretty much hospitalize me, and that’s if I don’t get the _bad_ ones like liver failure or leukemia,” he said, and Adam just stared.

“What are we doing then?” Adam asked fearfully. “Tommy, what are they doing?” he asked, and Tommy bit his lip apologetically.

“Nothing for now,” he said, cutting Adam off. “We’re going to wait and make sure the radiation hasn’t worked and it stops where it is. In a few weeks, we’ll make a better list of possibilities.” He caught Adam’s hand, holding it in his lap. “I will not give up, okay?” he promised, and Adam nodded. “No, look at me,” he said, he Adam looked at him. “I will do whatever I have to until I die,” he swore, looking into Adam’s eyes. “I won’t just give up and wait to have a stroke, okay? I refuse. You and Jonah need me,” he said, and Adam’s face crumbled, chin dropping as he nodded.

“We do, Tommy,” he choked out. He looked up, sniffling as tears slipped down his cheeks. “I need you,” he said, lip quivering.

Tommy reached up and cupped Adam’s cheek, leaning their heads together. “I will not leave you guys without trying my best to stay here,” he said, throat burning as he felt a teardrop land on his hand. “You and Jonah are worth fighting for. And I swear to you, Adam, I’ll fight to the very fucking end.”

Adam whimpered, closing his hand over Tommy’s, trapping it against his face. “I love you so much, Tommy.” He turned and kissed his palm wetly. “I just… I can’t imagine living without you anymore. You- you’re necessary, okay? I need you here. Jonah needs you,” he said, looking up. “He needs his daddy. He’s five, Tommy. No five year old should ever have to lose their father. I can’t handle taking care of Jonah alone. I cannot imagine trying to deal with him without you. I love him more than anything else in the entire world and the idea of how he would be hurt if you were gone is enough to make me want to _die_ , TommyJoe,” he sobbed, letting his head fall forward. “I can’t- I can’t lose you.”

Tommy sniffled, leaning forward, tipping Adam’s chin up to kiss him. “I know, Babyboy, I know,” he whispered, gasping when Adam surged forward, kissing him desperately, almost like he was afraid he would disappear any moment. Tommy slid his arms around Adam’s neck, letting Adam pull him as close as physically possible. Tommy didn’t bother protesting as Adam pushed him down onto the bed, kissing him desperately as he pinned him down with his body, lips moving from Tommy’s lips to his jaw before going straight back to his lips.

Adam kissed him and touched him in ways so gentle it was like Adam was afraid Tommy was going to shatter right there. Every kiss was tainted with salt as tears tumbled down both of their cheeks, both of them fighting the reality of how dire their situation was. Tommy knew that he wasn’t going to get better. He was coming to accept that things were going to get so much harder than he could’ve ever imagined. Every fiber of his being was going to fight until the last cell in his body died, but the reality that their best chance, the treatment he had already undergone, had failed was a crushing blow to his hope.

Tommy knew Adam was terrified. He didn’t blame him. If it was the other way around, he would have long slipped into a depression deeper than anything he’d ever witnessed before. As it was, he was terrified for Jonah and Adam. If it was just him, the fear of dying wouldn’t be half as bad as the idea of leaving behind his husband and his son to deal with losing their husband and father. He had gone through the loss of his father, and even at nearly thirty years old it had been horrible. He could only imagine the _horror_ of losing your father at five years old. He never wanted Jonah to have to go through that. He would do whatever he had to as long as it meant Jonah didn’t have to grow up without his daddy. 

Tommy was so deep in thought he really had no idea how Adam got them up to the pillow, laying on their sides kissing and touching like it was the only thing they needed. When the kisses eventually began to calm down, Tommy was left looking into Adam’s eyes, their noses pressed together as they gazed into each other’s eyes, occasionally sharing tender kisses. Tommy’s arms were around Adam’s neck and Adam’s were around his body, holding them without an inch between them, legs tangled together so that they were so intertwined that it was barely possible to know who started where as they clung to each other, sharing so much more than body heat and kisses between them.

“No matter what, you’re always going to be my best friend,” Adam whispered, looking into Tommy’s eyes from so close they were both cross eyed. He stroked his hand down Tommy’s side affectionately. “No matter what happens, I won’t ever regret a second we spent together. I don’t care if that ends up being just the last seven years or the next fifty, TommyJoe. If there is a such thing, you are my soul mate. Nothing can make me stop believing that.”

Tommy smiled, closing his eyes as he let Adam’s touches sooth him closer to sleep. “I don’t really believe in fate, but if there is a such thing, meeting you was definitely fate. I cannot imagine what my life would be or who the hell _I_ would be without you in my life, Adam. And I don’t _want_ to imagine it.” He pecked Adam’s lips. “I’m just sorry for putting you and Jonah through this. I’m sorry more than I’m scared.”

Adam shook his head, shushing Tommy. “Don’t be sorry, and don’t be scared because I’m determined to find a way to fix you, TommyJoe. I have to. I don’t stop until I reach my goals, if you haven’t noticed,” he said, and Tommy laughed affectionately.

“You are one determined motherfucker,” he said, stroking his fingers over the soft fuzz of Adam’s hair. “I love you, you know? Just for the record.”

Adam giggled. “Yeah, yeah, love you too,” he said, curling his arms even tighter around his husband.

They both lay together, bodies tangled together almost desperately, until sleep took them and even then, they never let go, almost as though they were afraid of what they would wake up to find if they did.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Before the waiting period was up, Tommy knew something was really wrong. He started having dizzy spells more and more often. He would reach for something and miss it a few times before he could grab it. He was always tired. Even when he slept, he was exhausted. His headaches were starting to more resemble migraines than just bad headaches, to the point that more than once he locked himself in the bathroom with all the lights out and a towel shoved along the bottom of the door to escape the light, since it made everything hurt worse.

He could also see the strain it was putting on Adam to see him in such bad shape. Every time he resurfaced from hiding out in the bathroom or the closet and stumbled downstairs, Adam would look after him, fussing over everything he did. Every time he stumbled while he was walking from a lack of balance, Adam would jump to his side and hold him up, walking with him wherever he went. He knew Adam was only doing what he thought he had to, but it was putting so much strain on Adam to look after Jonah and Tommy alone as well as deal with his managers getting more and more impatient with his prolonged hiatus. 

It only took one fall in the shower before Adam took to sitting outside of the shower talking to Tommy the whole time he bathed, just in case the next time he fell he hurt himself. Adam stopped letting Tommy go out to do the shopping alone. If he let him go out at all, he went with him, making it even more difficult to get anything done with the inevitable paparazzi that showed up wherever Adam went.

The one thing Tommy kept hidden effectively was possibly the one thing that hurt him more than any of the headaches he ever had…

He couldn’t play guitar anymore.

On a good day, he could play basic riffs, but most days his fingers couldn’t keep up and cooperate with his brain as he tried to place them correctly on the strings at the speeds he usually did. It was simply not possible to try and do something so dexterous when he could barely walk straight some days his coordination was so bad. 

It was killing him slowly inside every time he passed the room where he kept his instruments and knew he couldn’t play them. Adam did occasionally ask why he didn’t play much anymore and Tommy was just glad he believed him when he said he was too tired.

And that wasn’t the only thing he felt bad about being too tired for. Tommy knew Adam would never let him know how much it frustrated him, but Tommy could only imagine having a husband who had barely kissed you in the past month was pretty tough on Adam. He wasn’t even sure that he could’ve enjoyed sex even if he wasn’t too tired because he hadn’t exactly had very much chance to think about anything other than trying to not let everybody see how bad off he really was. Since they had been married, there hadn’t been much intimacy between them at all and Tommy wasn’t sure if exhaustion was the cause or if the tumor was causing some sort of physical problem as well. He could imagine just the coordination involved in having sex and it made him queasy to think about so much movement compared to how easily he got nauseated just walking down the stairs.

Tommy was pretty sure throwing up on Adam in the middle of sex would most definitely ruin any chance of ever having sex again.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
It wasn’t even time to go back to get a new set of MRIs and CT Scans to see how they would proceed when everything came to a dramatic turn of events.

Tommy didn’t feel it coming on at all. He would’ve expected a wave of dizziness or something, but one moment Tommy was standing at the TV, putting in a DVD for Jonah, and the next he knew everything shifted to the left and he saw the floor coming to meet him. He heard Jonah scream his name and then everything was black.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
In all of Adam’s years, out of everything he had seen, out of everything he had faced, absolutely _nothing_ had ever prepared him for the sheer _horror_ of being upstairs, on the phone with his pissed off manager, only to hear his son scream in a way he had _never_ heard him scream before.

“DADDY!” 

Adam froze, waiting to hear Tommy respond to Jonah’s cry, only to instead hear a loud cry of “WAKE UP DADDY!” followed by the thumps of Jonah running through the house. Adam ignored the angry voice on the other end of the line and dropped the phone, fear filling him as he ran to the door and out onto the landing just in time to see Jonah running up the stairs. “DAD! DADDY WONT WAKE UP!” he screamed, tears streaming down his face.

Adam flew down the stairs past Jonah without a word, running as fast as he could to the living room. “Tommy?!” he cried, only to let out a pained cry as he saw Tommy laying on the floor in front of the television, not moving. “Tommy, oh God, Tommy!” he cried, stumbling to the floor. “Baby?!” he choked out, putting his hand on Tommy’s face. “Baby?!” he sobbed, holding his hand in front of Tommy’s nose and mouth to make sure he was breathing. Tommy was breathing, but it did little to lessen Adam’s terror as he felt of Tommy’s wrist, only to find his pulse racing. “No, no, baby, no,” he sobbed, pulling Tommy’s hand into his lap. “Tommy, please wake up,” he begged, turning his face, tapping his cheek lightly. “Tommy Ratliff. Tommy?” he tried, but Tommy didn’t so much as make a sound, body limp as a ragdoll. 

“Is Daddy okay?” Adam turned, feeling his heart break a little as he saw Jonah standing in the doorway, crying and shaking. “Why is Daddy asleep?” he asked and Adam sniffled, wiping his face as he stood up quickly.

“Daddy’s going to be okay, don’t worry, Jonah,” Adam said, scooping him up as he rushed to grab the rarely-used house phone from its cradle on the table next to the door. He held Jonah with one arm as he cried, clinging to Adam as he shook like a leaf. Adam sniffled and cleared his throat as he dialed 911, shushing Jonah, turning to kiss his face as he waited for the call to connect.

“9-1-1, what is your emergency?” the dispatcher answered and Adam cringed as he spoke, knowing Jonah was going to hear everything he said.

“My husband has collapsed. He has a brain tumor, but he just- he just collapsed and he isn’t responding,” he said, shushing Jonah as he cried too loudly for Adam to be heard. “Shhh, it’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispered into his ear, trying to go between comforting Jonah and giving the dispatcher all the information he needed.

When the lady assured him an ambulance was coming and he got off the line, he sat Jonah down, kneeling in front of him. Jonah was just looking at Tommy. “Why is Daddy asleep?” he demanded and Adam sniffled, kissing Jonah’s forehead.

“Daddy is going to be okay, I promise. I need you to go get your shoes on, okay?” he asked, and Jonah shook his head. “Jonah, I don’t have time for you to be difficult,” he snapped, feeling bad the instant Jonah gave him a hurt look. “I’m sorry but Dad needs you to be a big boy right now, okay? Go put on your shoes,” he said, and Jonah looked over at Tommy. Adam sighed, hugging him. “Be a big boy so I can take care of Daddy, okay?” he tried and Jonah nodded, following Adam’s instructions to run upstairs.

Adam himself shot one look at Tommy before rushing upstairs to grab his own shoes and his phone, rushing back down to the living room, sitting on the floor beside Tommy, calling his mother and laying the phone on the floor on speaker as he struggled into his shoes. “Hey Adam-“

Adam cut her off. “Mom, I need you or whoever is closest to get over here now,” he said in a rush. “Call Neil, call Dia, whoever, just get somebody here as fast as humanly possible-“

“Adam?! What’s wrong?” she asked, hearing his voice.

Adam bit back a sob. “It’s Tommy,” he said and he heard her gasp. “I need somebody to get Jonah. Tommy collapsed, an ambulance is coming. He’s-he’s breathing but he’s unconscious. I can’t- I can’t handle Jonah and be here for Tommy too,” he said, feeling like a failure of a father for that statement, no matter how much he knew it was the only thing he could do.

“Oh God, baby, I’m all the way at the beach,” she said.

“Call Neil,” Adam said, holding Tommy’s hand. “Dia if you can’t get Neil, but she’ll be in a panic about like me so try Neil first.”

“Of course, I’ll get him now,” Leila said, hanging up without another word.

Adam sighed and held Tommy’s hand to his chest as he stroked his hand over Tommy’s forehead, fighting more tears as he looked at his pale, unmoving face. “Please Tommy,” he whispered. “Please don’t leave me like this. Please, baby,” he sobbed, leaning down to brush a kiss to his husband’s unmoving lips. “Please be okay,” he begged weakly, rocking back and forth as he waited, every second feeling like hours.

Adam was barely aware of how much time had passed before he heard the door fly open, bouncing off the wall, and looked up to see Neil rushing in and scooping Jonah up from his spot sitting in the doorway crying. “I left the gate open,” Neil said in place of a greeting, looking over in shock as he saw Tommy unmoving and Adam crying over him. “Is he…” he trailed off, glancing at Jonah.

Adam shook his head. “He’s okay, I- he just fainted I think,” he said, sniffling as he looked down at his husband. “He’s- his pulse is fast,” he said and Neil nodded, but neither of them had any clue what was going on.

Neil just hitched Jonah higher, looking at him. “Alright, I’ve got Jonah, don’t worry,” he said, and Adam smiled weakly.

“Take care of my baby,” he said and Jonah looked at him. “I love you, okay?” he said, and Jonah nodded silently.

“Is Daddy okay?” he asked in a broken little voice and Adam felt a fresh wave of tears.

“Daddy’s okay, baby. Don’t worry. Daddy’s going to be fine,” he said, and Jonah nodded. “Be good for Uncle Neil,” he said, and Jonah nodded.

Just as Neil turned to leave, they heard voices calling out from the front door. Neil covered Jonah’s ears and nodded into the living room. “In here,” he said, wordlessly disappearing as soon as the paramedics rushed in.

Adam kissed Tommy’s hand then jumped out of the way. “What happened?” The man asked, setting his bag down beside Tommy.

Adam wiped at his face. “I didn’t see it, but my son says he just fell down for no reason, so I guess he just passed out, no warning,” he said. “He has a brain tumor,” he said, feeling sure it was important information.

“Okay, just stand back,” the woman said gently and Adam nodded, grabbing his phone as he stepped back out of the way, watching in almost a daze as they started doing things to Tommy and saying things about him that Adam couldn’t follow.

The only thing Adam could think was _Please, God, let him be okay_.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Adam got to the hospital, the first thing the person called out to speak to him about Tommy told him was that Tommy was awake. Adam had never been more relieved in his _life_. They had no other information, only that Tommy had woken up in the ambulance and was being examined by his own neurologist as they spoke.

By the time both Dia and Leila had arrived, Adam had been informed that Tommy was undergoing an MRI to try and figure out what had happened. Dia was, as expected, pretty distraught. “God, he didn’t even tell me it was this bad!” she said, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief. “I knew he wasn’t doing that well, but I had no idea!”

Adam smiled sadly. “He doesn’t like to worry us all. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to let me do things for him when he’s having another headache. And he never says no to Jonah when Jonah wants to play and he isn’t feeling up to it,” he said softly. “Oh God, Jonah,” he groaned, putting his face in his hands.

Leila put her hand on his arm. “Was Jonah okay?” she asked gently and Adam just shook his head.

“God no, he watched his daddy pass out! He was so scared,” he said, shaking his head. “My God, I never wanted Jonah to see how sick Tommy really is. We’ve tried to hide how bad Tommy really feels because we didn’t want to scare him. He was downstairs alone with Tommy when it happened. I was on the phone in our room and I heard him scream ‘daddy’ in the most horrible way-“ He shuddered. “I never ever want to hear that sort of fear in my baby’s voice ever again,” he said darkly. “Then I heard him yell for help and he ran upstairs and I was halfway down the stairs to meet him and when he said ‘daddy won’t wake up’ I think I didn’t breathe again for a good minute,” he admitted. “I ran downstairs and Tommy was just lying on the floor. And- and I couldn’t get Jonah to stop crying and asking me why his daddy was asleep and the whole time I was on the phone with the 9-1-1 dispatcher Jonah was just crying right next to my ear… it was horrible,” he said, sniffling.

Leila hugged him. “It’s okay, honey. It’s over now,” she said, and Adam let out a soft whimper.

“It’s not, mom. He’s- God I thought he was dead! I honestly thought for a second he had died and right in front of _Jonah_! He’s five years old! He should never have had to see that. Even if Tommy’s okay now, we can’t pretend he’s not really sick anymore!” Adam choked out.

Dia just shook her head, staring off into space with a dark, empty look on her face. “This can’t happen,” she said in a hollow voice. “I already outlived my husband. I can’t outlive my baby, too,” she said and Adam felt a wave of remorse because Tommy was his husband, but Tommy was her _son_. Her baby. He hugged her, pressing his face into her neck, letting the woman know he was sorry for her without speaking words.

Adam was pulled from his thoughts as a nurse walked up to them. “Mr. Lambert?” she asked and he nodded, standing quickly.

“Yes?” he asked, biting his lip nervously, afraid as to whether the news was going to be good or bad.

“Dr. Jones requested that I bring you back to speak with him,” she said, and Adam nodded weakly, unsure as to whether that was good, bad, or indifferent. He followed her down a tangle of halls, only to be led into a ward separated by curtains. When he got to a curtain that was drawn, he saw Dr. Jones’s back, only to feel his heart leap into his throat as the nurse at the bed shifted and he saw Tommy, sitting up as he had his blood pressure checked.

“Tommy!” he gasped, and Tommy looked up, giving Adam a bashful smile. Adam just sighed heavily, finally breathing a full, satisfying breath for the first time since he first heard Jonah scream what felt like hours ago.

When the nurse moved out of the way, of removing the blood pressure cuff after she had written down the results, Adam slipped to Tommy’s bedside and leaned down to kiss his forehead, cupping his cheek. “Holy shit, baby, you have no idea how relieved I am,” he said, and Tommy smiled.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, and Adam shook his head, giving him a playfully stern look.

“If you aren’t dying, you will be when I get through with you,” he joked and Tommy gave him a little grin for his trouble. He looked up at Dr. Jones, lacing his and Tommy’s fingers together as he faced him. “What happened, Doctor?” he asked, and Dr. Jones shifted his weight, looking down at his chart.

“Tommy here had a seizure,” he said and Adam just frowned.

“But he just passed out,” he said, and Dr. Jones nodded.

“Most of the time when you see dramatic interpretations of seizures, people flop around like a fish out of water, foam at the mouth, and go cross-eyed, but in reality most often seizures are very subtle,” he said. “Some people have seizures so subtle they just trail off and stare into space for a few seconds and then that’s it. Tommy, however, lost consciousness. It’s not completely uncommon as far as seizures go.”

“But I haven’t ever done that before,” Tommy said and Dr. Jones sighed.

“Yes, I know,” he said, giving him an uneasy look. “I’m sorry to say, your tumor is worse than ever,” he said, and Adam let his head drop, eyes falling shut.

Tommy just smiled sadly. “I sort of figured,” he said. “I can barely walk straight some days for lack of coordination,” he offered. “I can’t really play guitar anymore because my fingers don’t work that fast,” he said, and Adam picked up his head.

“You didn’t tell me that,” he said, and Tommy squeezed his hand.

“I didn’t want to scare you,” he said and Adam gave him a narrow eyed look.

“So instead you decide to not say anything until it gets to the point you terrify me and our son beyond all repair by making us think you _died_?” he demanded and Tommy cringed. Adam sighed. “Fuck, sorry baby, I’m sorry,” he said, kissing his knuckles. “I didn’t mean that-“

“It’s okay, Adam,” Tommy said, giving him a tender look. “I know I would’ve freaked out just as bad, trust me.” Tommy bit his lip. “So Doc,” he started, looking up. “What do we do now?” he asked simply. “I told you once and I’ll tell you once more, I’m not giving up without a fight,” he said, shrugging slightly. “If I’m going out, I’m going with my boots on.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Why does the western references come out in times like these?” he asked and Tommy grinned.

“How often do I get to call somebody ‘Doc’?” he asked with a cheeky smirk.

Doctor Jones chuckled. “Well, I hate to say it, Tommy, but at this point, it seems like surgery is the only way to go,” he said, shaking his head. “Physical surgery, removing every bit of tumor.” He shrugged. “It’s very risky, I won’t sugar coat that, but it’s either surgery or give up at this point, and you won’t give up, I know that.”

Adam bit his lip. “What are the risks, though? Other than the ‘damage a major artery and bleed to death’ thing?” he asked, and the doctor looked at the scans in his hand.

“Well, his coordination will probably suffer. Even from a fully successful surgery, the way his brain is displaced around the tumor suggests he’ll always have some coordination problems,” he said. He looked at Tommy. “However, with a little rehab, you should be able to get it close to what it once was,” he said supportively. “It isn’t near any memory or major motor-function capability centers, but your ability to learn things may be affected. Learning to play new songs, for example, might take longer,” he explained. “It’s mostly muscle learning, not knowledge learning, but you may be a little less adept at learning a new person’s name, or something similar.”

Tommy smiled sadly. “So the major risks are death and never doing what I love anymore, huh?” he asked, and the doctor nodded with an apologetic look. “Great.”

Adam squeezed Tommy’s hand. “But if this works, if you get rid of it, what’s the chance of recurrence?” he asked.

The doctor hummed. “Well, with the resistance to radiation, I’d say about a lifetime recurrence chance of thirty-five percent. However, with regular scans for a while and then annual scans after that, anything we do catch will be caught small enough that one-shot radiosurgery can stop it. The only reason that didn’t work this time is because the tumor is too big. We’ll be ready for any recurrence that occurs and it won’t be like this again.”

Tommy nodded. “Okay then. I guess we’ll go with that,” he said, and Adam gave him a brave smile. “I promise to try to not die,” he said, and Adam laughed.

“You are not funny,” he said, even though he couldn’t fight a smile.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy was admitted to stay overnight because Dr. Jones wanted to have a team of neurologists ready to do the surgery the very next day to avoid more seizures like the one he had suffered.

They wanted to move him into a room since he would be undergoing a surgery that would leave him in the hospital for a few days. As soon as they got him situated Adam came back after getting Dia and Leila to come see him. He knocked on the door, smiling. “Hey baby,” he said and Tommy looked up, smirking at the nurse who was drawing a blood sample.

“Told you my husband was hot,” he said and the older lady laughed.

Adam blushed. “Tommy, are you being difficult for the nurse?” he asked, going around to pull up a chair beside him.

The woman smiled, shaking her head. “I was just asking him if he was here all by himself and he told me no, that his gorgeous husband was coming right back,” she said and Tommy grinned. “I was just worried the poor thing was waiting to have brain surgery all night by himself,” she said, smiling as she unscrewed the vial of blood. “Reminds me of my son, all cute and tiny,” she teased and Adam smiled at her.

“Nah, I’m not leaving him here by himself all night when he’s having surgery in the morning,” he said, catching Tommy’s hand. “Somebody’s got to knock him out of he doesn’t sleep,” he joked, winking at Tommy.

“How long have you two been married?” the woman asked as she made sure Tommy’s arm stopped bleeding. She looked up. “He sure doesn’t look old enough to be having surgery already,” she said and Tommy gave her a flattered smile. “Usually surgeries are for us old people.”

Tommy chuckled. “I’m older than I look,” he said, nodding at Adam. “I’m older than him,” he said and she glanced at Adam in surprise. “I’m thirty-five, so I may not be old, but I’m definitely middle aged,” he said with a smile. He grinned. “And we’ve been together a while,” he said, and Adam smiled, squeezing his fingers.

“Yeah, more than five years. We were best friends for longer though,” he said. “We’ve got a son that just turned five.”

She smiled. “Aww, I bet he’s worried about his dad isn’t he?” she asked, and Adam nodded.

“He’s daddy’s little buddy, alright. Pretty sure Tommy’s his hero,” he said and Tommy smiled sadly.

“Alright, well good luck on your surgery, Mr. Ratliff,” she said, waving to him as she walked out.

Adam shot him a look. “Of course, you bring out the maternal instincts of every slightly older woman you meet,” he said and Tommy grinned playfully.

“What can I say? Woman love me!” he teased and Adam smiled, kissing his hand. “Where’d my mom go?” he asked, and Adam sighed.

“Our mothers are talking to your doctor about every possible scenario for your surgery. They’ll be back in a minute, I’m sure,” he said. He looked at him for a while, just looking over Tommy’s face. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, and Tommy snorted.

“Oh yeah, for somebody knocking on death’s door I am,” he said and Adam shook his head, leaning closer so that he could stroke Tommy’s cheek. “Adam,” Tommy said softly, looking at the terrified look in his eyes. “Adam, I’ll be okay-“

“You have to be,” Adam said weakly. He stood up so he could lean in to kiss Tommy. Tommy cupped his cheek, letting his eyes slip shut as Adam’s lips caressed his. 

Tommy smiled against his lips when the kiss broke, his heart thumping hard in his chest. “Well damn, if I had known ‘dying’ would make you want me, I’d have faked a blood disease ages ago,” he teased and Adam laughed, groaning.

“You know how to ruin a fucking beautiful moment, you little shit,” he said, kissing his forehead before he sat down. He smiled at him in amusement, laughing as he shook his head. “God, how the hell did your crazy ass end up in my life?” he asked and Tommy grinned.

“You like my crazy,” he said, blowing him a teasing kiss.

Adam sighed, nodding. “I really do,” he said softly, squeezing Tommy’s hand in his.

There was a knock at the door and they looked up to see Dia peeking in. “Hey baby!” she said, and Tommy held up his arms, letting her rush over to hug him. “God, my baby,” she whimpered, sniffling as she pulled back to look down at him, holding his face in her hands. “Are you okay?” she asked and he nodded, eyes glassy.

“Yeah, mom. I’m okay,” he said, and she just hugged him, crying.

Adam just sniffled slightly as Leila came over and pulled him into a hug, whispering ‘it’s okay’ to him as she held him tight, trying to protect her son from the scary reality they were in.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Adam woke up, it was four in the morning and Tommy was awake, looking at Adam as he slept. Adam yawned, sitting up. “What’re you doing? You need rest,” he slurred, rubbing a hand over his face. “TommyJoe, if you didn’t sleep, I’ll strangle you,” he grumbled and Tommy smiled.

“I slept for a few hours,” he reassured, reaching out to stroke his hand over the fuzzy short hair on Adam’s head. “The longer it gets, the redder you are,” he teased and Adam grumbled, giving him an unhappy look.

“Yeah, yeah, as soon as I think about it, I’m dying this shit,” he said, smiling up at him tiredly. “You should go back to sleep,” he said and Tommy shook his head.

“Nah, I’d rather be awake with you,” he said and Adam gave him an adoring look.

“Baby, you need rest. I love you to death but you need to rest,” he urged.

Tommy shook his head. “Adam, please?” he asked, then scooted, patting the bed beside him.

Adam shot him a look. “Honey, my fat ass won’t fit up there with you,” he said and Tommy pouted, patting the spot again. “Alright, but if we get stuck, it’s your fault,” he said and Tommy giggled as Adam crawled onto the bed beside him, pretty much having to hold Tommy on his chest to make them both fit.

“I’m scared,” Tommy admitted and Adam kissed his head. 

“I know baby. You’ll be okay though.” He rubbed his back. “We’ll get through this.”

Tommy sighed, shifting to look up at Adam. “Adam, I want Neil to bring Jonah. I don’t care if visiting hours don’t start until nine, I want to see him before I go into surgery,” he said, and Adam bit his lip.

“Tommy, I’m not sure letting him see you in the hospital is a good idea,” he said, and Tommy shook his head.

“Adam, I could die,” he said pointedly. He shook his head. “I could very easily _die_ today, okay?” he said, catching his hand. “I want to see my baby, okay? I just want to get to see my son again just in case I don’t make it.”

Adam flinched. “Tommy, don’t talk like that-“

“It’s the reality of the situation,” Tommy said gently, turning his chin up to look at Adam. “This is a really dangerous surgery. I just… I want to see Jonah. Make sure I get a chance to talk to him just in case.” He shook his head. “I do not want the last thing he sees of me to be me passing out and scaring him. I hope to fuck I don’t die, but if I do I want to be sure I got to see my son before I do, Adam. You understand?”

Adam nodded, biting his lip. “I get it, baby. I’m just… I don’t want him to see you in the hospital, Tommy. I’ll get Neil to bring him, but I wanted to hide all of this from him. He’s barely five years old and I didn’t want him to see all this scary shit,” he said sadly.

Tommy nodded. “It sucks, but he’s a brave little boy. He’ll be okay,” he said, smiling up at Adam. “Honestly, I’m pretty sure I’m more worried about you than him right now,” he said, and Adam ducked his head. “Babyboy, if I die, you have to be strong,” he urged. “Jonah will need you to be strong.

Adam bit his lip. “How can you ask me to be strong in the face of the love of my life dying?” he asked weakly. “I’ll do my best for Jonah, but Tommy… you can’t ask me to be strong when there’s a chance one of the most important people in the world to me could possibly not be here tomorrow.”

Tommy leaned up to kiss him. “I promise dude, I’m gonna try my fucking hardest to not die. I’m not sure how that works, but the will to live clearly has something to do with it, and I sure as hell have plenty of that shit,” he said and Adam giggled wetly.

“Good, cause I’m not letting you go quite yet, mister,” he said, curling his arms around Tommy’s tinier-than-ever waist. “Not gonna let you go. Not now. Not ever,” he said, shaking his head. 

Tommy grinned impishly. “So basically, when I die you’re going to a hotter, younger model then,” he teased and Adam glowered.

“You are not funny, you shit,” he said, rolling his eyes as he poked Tommy in the cheek.

Tommy kissed his jaw. “I so am, you want to laugh so bad,” he said and Adam cracked, giving Tommy a smile.

“Jerk.”

“You love me anyways.”

Adam gave him a sweet smile. “I really do,” he whispered, closing his eyes as he pressed a kiss to Tommy’s forehead, holding him close. “I really, really do.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Adam went down to the receptionists’ desk when Neil called to tell him he was there with Jonah. The receptionist refused to let them up until Adam leaned closer and whispered that Jonah’s father could be dying and convinced her he deserved to see his daddy just in case. It was barely six in the morning, Tommy’s surgery was set for just before eight, but they got to take Jonah upstairs.

“Is Daddy better now?” Jonah asked as soon as Adam scooped him up to carry him down the hall.

Adam smiled sadly. “Not yet, but he’s gonna get better soon, we hope,” he said and Jonah just nodded, laying his head on Adam’s shoulder. “Were you good for Uncle Neil?” he asked and Jonah nodded.

“We played with his microphones and his video camera! It was fun,” he said, giggling. “We made a movie of us dancing and singing to your songs, Dad,” he said and Adam shot Neil an evil smirk.

Neil flushed, narrowing his eyes. “No,” he said simply. When they got to Tommy’s room, Neil stopped. “Hey, you want me to…” He trailed off and nodded at the hall.

Adam smiled sadly. “Nah, you can come on in,” he said, seeing how solemn Neil got when they walked through the door. “Hey Daddy! Somebody’s come to see you,” he said and Tommy looked up, smiling brightly when he saw Jonah. 

Tommy sat up and reached for Jonah. “Hey little man!” he said, making grabby hands. “Gimme my baby,” he said playfully.

“Daddy!” Jonah said, reaching out for him. Adam handed Jonah off to Tommy, who pulled him into his lap, hugging him close, clinging to the child in his arms like he hadn’t seen him in ages.

“Aww, baby I’m so sorry,” he said, kissing his head. “Jonah, I am so sorry I scared you,” he said, and Jonah just smiled.

“It’s okay, Daddy,” he said, arms around Tommy’s neck loosely. “Are you okay?” he asked in a small voice and Tommy nodded.

“I’m feeling better. Hey, did you behave for Uncle Neil?” he asked and Jonah launched into his tale of his visit with his uncle. He smiled, just watching Jonah talk and make hand gestures. He didn’t even notice Adam and Neil watching them, he didn’t look away from Jonah. He just spent a long while watching his son tell a story about dancing into the wall with more rapt attention than Tommy usually paid to anything.

Adam sat down and watched with a mixture of happiness, sadness, and most of all, love as he watched Tommy and Jonah together, just talking all about what he had done with Uncle Neil. He didn’t even realize he was on the verge of tears until Neil put a hand on his shoulder, giving him a comforting look.

“And then we almost ran over the old lady’s cat this morning,” he finished, referring to Neil’s neighbor, the lady who Jonah described as ‘about eight-hundred’ with ‘fifty cats’. 

Tommy just laughed, smiling at Jonah with an adoring look the whole time, asking him more and more about random things, just hanging out while they could. Whenever the clock showed that it wouldn’t be long before the doctor came around to start prepping Tommy for surgery, he looked at Jonah and bit his lip. “Hey, I wanna talk you for a minute,” he said, then looked up. “Adam, Neil, can you give us a minute?” he asked and Adam and Neil shared a look but agreed. Adam gave Tommy a narrow eyed look and Tommy just blew him a kiss, making Adam roll his eyes as he slipped out the door.

“What is it, Daddy?” Jonah asked, looking at him curiously.

Tommy smiled sadly, running his hand over Jonah’s head, amused at how Jonah’s hair was growing a lot faster than Adam’s and he wasn’t even remotely bald anymore, just short-haired. “Jonah, you know how I’m sick?” he asked, and Jonah nodded. “Well, today the doctor has to do a surgery. Do you know what that means?” he asked, and Jonah shook his head. “Okay well… the doctor has to cut daddy open,” he said, and Jonah’s eyes flew wide.

“Why?!” he asked. “Won’t that hurt?” he asked and Tommy chuckled.

“Well, daddy’s got sickness in him and the medicine isn’t working, right?” Jonah nodded with a suspicious look. “Well, the doctor needs to cut me open and get it all out so then I can get better,” he said and Jonah just frowned.

“But… you can’t cut people open. All your guts will fall out!” he said with comically wide eyes.

Tommy smiled. “Well, it’s not my tummy,” he explained. “Daddy’s got sickness in his head,” he said, and Jonah frowned.

“So he’s gonna take out your brain?” he asked, then gave a gasp. “WHAT IF THE DOCTOR IS A ZOMBIE?!” he cried and Tommy laughed, very much amused.

“No, the doctor isn’t a zombie, silly!” he said, kissing his forehead. “And they’re not taking out my brain, they’re getting out the gross stuff only.” He petted Jonah’s hair again. “But the thing is… the thing is it’s sort of tough to get to it,” he said softly. “And I’m gonna be okay, I am,” he reassured forcefully. “But the thing is, Dad is really scared because if something happens, I might get hurt,” he said.

Jonah bit his lip. “But… you won’t right?” he asked.

Tommy shook his head. “No, Jonah. I’m pretty sure that I’m gonna be fine.” He smiled at him. “But Dad’s scared anyways. So what I need is for you to be a big boy for him, okay?” he asked, and Jonah nodded. “Your dad’s a worry wart sometimes, you know?” he said, and Jonah smiled, nodding. “Just be a big boy and make sure dad doesn’t have too much to worry about. If you have to, make sure you tell him plenty that I’m okay. Make sure dad doesn’t freak out too much. Tell Uncle Neil to talk to your dad plenty,” he said and Jonah nodded again.

“Okay, Daddy,” he said simply, smiling really big. “I’ll take care of Dad for you,” he said and Tommy fought a tightness in his throat as Jonah, once again, proved to be a really smart, amazing child.

“I love you so much, big man. You are such a brave boy,” he said and Jonah giggled.

“Cause I want to be like you, Daddy! I have to be good so I can grow up just like you when I’m big,” he claimed and Tommy pulled Jonah close, closing his eyes as he fought a wave of tears that threatened him as he realized how much he meant to Jonah. He had always known Jonah loved him, he was his father, but Jonah looked up to him so much and he couldn’t imagine what would happen if he wasn’t okay.

“I love you, baby. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and your dad, okay? Don’t ever forget that,” he whispered, holding Jonah close until Adam came back in with the doctor.

“I have to go now?” Jonah asked with a pout and Adam nodded. Jonah just hugged Tommy. “Don’t worry, Daddy, it’s gonna be okay,” he said, and Tommy laughed, kissing his head. 

“I love you. Remember what I said, okay?” he asked, and Jonah nodded.

“Love you too, Daddy!” he said, hugging him. Adam came over to pick him up and Jonah just twisted around to wave at Tommy as he was carried out. “See you later, Daddy!”

Tommy bit his lip and nodded. “See you later, Jonah,” Tommy called, waving until he was gone.

Dr. Jones smiled. “He’s cute,” he said and Tommy sighed, running his hands over his face.

“Doc, I need to know that I’ve got every possible chance available to make it,” he said in a rough voice. “I’m not that scared of dying, I’ve had a good life, but I really don’t want to leave that little boy right there without his daddy, okay?” he said, blinking away the burning in the corner of his eyes. “So you make sure your doctors and surgeons and what the fuck ever all know that there’s a five year old boy that needs his father when we do this shit because I do not want that little boy to go through losing his daddy. I was twenty-nine when my dad died and it nearly killed me then. I do _not_ want my baby ever going through that,” he said tightly.

Dr. Jones gave him a sad smile. “We’re going to do our very best, Tommy. You can count on that.” He looked up from Tommy’s chart. “And for the record, I really don’t want to have to see that adorable little boy lose his dad either,” he said and Tommy smiled, sighing.

“Alright, let’s do this, Doc,” he said, only half-listening as Adam came back and the doctor explained the whole procedure to them.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Adam could remember the moment he met Tommy. He could remember thinking someone had embodied his ‘type’ in one body. He was small, he was brown eyed, he had the most beautiful face, the fullest lips, and tattoos everywhere. He was every bit of Adam’s type with a bonus of being a musician.

And then when he mentioned his girlfriend, Adam had been slightly bummed, but had relegated him to a niche of ‘look but don’t touch’ begrudgingly. Before long, however, he had grown to realize how funny and interesting Tommy was. It was like Adam had met the one human being out there that was made specifically to compliment his own personality. He didn’t even mind that they could only ever be friends because Tommy Joe Ratliff was the type of person he could spend all of his time with and not _care_ that they were only friends. There was always a part of him that liked to fantasize about what it would be like to be more than friends with him, especially after he found out what kind of kisser Tommy was, but even then, Tommy was so laid back Adam realized Tommy didn’t really give a damn that Adam not-so-secretly really wanted him naked. He accepted that ‘hey, my buddy would totally love to fuck me’ without a blink.

And it had worked. For the longest time, it had worked perfectly that way. It had worked that way until Jonah came.

When Adam made the decision to actually go through with adopting a child, the struggle on his own took so much out of him. He was determined to be a father, he wanted a baby so bad it hurt. The day he saw Tommy holding Riff after hearing that he needed a partner in order to adopt the child that he was lined up to adopt at birth, when he blurted it out to Tommy, he wasn’t thinking. He was thinking, however, when they actually talked about it and decided to adopt a baby together as friends. They really knew they were close enough to make it work as friends with a baby. They had both agreed that having a child was more important than their love lives, so signing off on domestic partnership and agreeing to not see anybody outside of that partnership to avoid cheating scandals, since to the public they were a couple, wasn’t a problem. A life of celibacy had sounded like it was worth it if they got to be parents.

Adam remembered the first moment he started to realize he had, somehow, fallen in love with Tommy.

It had been in the works since the moment they met, but it was the moment of Jonah’s first Christmas, when Adam had watched Tommy hold his new instrument, the one personalized for him, that the smile on Tommy’s face made his heart positively hurt in the best way ever. He like seeing Tommy smile so much that it actually made him want to do things to see it more often. Tommy happy was one of the things that Adam loved more than anything. It had taken a few moments for him to realize that that fact, plus the strange warmth he felt was more than friendship. It was more than just being comfortable with the other parent of his son. 

It was love. Simple, pure, unadulterated _love_. It took a long time for things to come to the surface, it had taken a stupidity-laced jealousy fit to admit it when he thought for Tommy was sleeping with Jinx, their nanny, but in the end, it was still the same real, honest to God love that it always had been.

As Adam sat in an otherwise abandoned waiting room, staring at the opposite wall as he waited through the surgery that was meant to take upwards for five hours, the surgery that would decide the outcome of his future, the surgery that would either cure or kill his soul mate, all Adam could think about was what life would be like without that same love and friendship he had enjoyed for the past seven years.

Jonah had gone with Neil, Leila, and Dia to get some lunch and Adam was left alone. He had fielded calls from plenty of friends of theirs, all asking how Tommy was, all worried about their friend’s wellbeing. Adam was on the verge of breaking down by the time he got any sort of update. He had been promised status updates, but it had been four and a half hours already without anything of the sort.

The woman who came out to meet him was wearing nurses scrubs and had a cap on her head as she walked into the room. “Mr. Lambert?” she asked and he stood up, his heart pounding as he waited to hear how well the surgery was going. 

“How is my husband?” he asked weakly.

“Well,” she started, and Adam’s heart stopped. He sat back down slowly, feeling fear creeping up his spine as the woman sat down across from him. “There have been a few complications,” she said gently and Adam felt all of the blood leave his face.

“Is- is he okay?” Adam asked weakly and she looked down at the clipboard.

“Your husband’s surgery ran into some problems,” she started. “There was a hemorrhage and he had a lack of blood flow to his brain for a short time,” she said and Adam felt his throat closing. “Because they had to stop the removal of the tumor to treat the hemorrhage, the surgery is going to take a bit longer. Also, the intracranial bleeding caused an interruption to parts of his brain. We won’t know the significance of the damage until he wakes up, but essentially, he had a mild stroke,” she explained and Adam felt his blood run cold.

“What- what does that mean for him?” he asked and she shook her head.

“At this point, it could mean he’ll be okay, or it could mean he has permanent damage. The cerebellum was what was effected by the blood flow interruption, so the effect would likely be slowed and interrupted reflexes, lack of coordination, and trouble balancing. It could also raise the chances that were already present of having seizures in the future,” she explained. “We can’t know until he is awake and healed enough to attempt any sort of test of his reflexes and coordination how severe the damage is.”

Adam just sniffled, feeling his eyes burning. “How about- how about the tumor? Is- does it look like they can get it?” he asked and she gave him an apologetic smile.

“They had to stop surgery at the time being to handle the hemorrhaging, they won’t finish with the tumor removal for a while. It could be several more hours at this point. That also brings a risk because it means he will be under general anesthesia longer than expected. He shouldn’t suffer any complications from that, but the longer a person is kept unconscious, the more dangerous the chance of complications.”

Adam just nodded, putting his head in his hands. He thanked the nurse and let her leave, waiting only until she was gone before he broke down entirely. Every part of him was scared. Every fiber of his being was terrified because he didn’t _know_ Tommy would be okay. There were real, solid chances he _wouldn’t_ and nothing in the world was worse than knowing his husband could be dying and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it. 

Adam wanted to be strong, he wanted to get a grip and be strong for Jonah and for Dia and for everybody that cared about Tommy too, but in the end, weak was all he could be and was all that he was when it came to the love of his life. He was weak because of the same love he wanted to be strong for. He was weak because he didn’t think he could live without Tommy.

Adam was weak because Tommy had always been his rock.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Adam was still staring into his lap, barely responsive when Eber showed up. Neil looked up and waved to his dad, nudging Jonah, who was in Leila’s lap coloring. “Look it’s grandpa,” he said and Jonah looked up, smiling.

“Hey Grandpa!” he said and Eber came over, smiling as he sat across from them and Jonah climbed out of Leila’s lap to go over to him.

“Hey buddy,” Eber said, hugging Jonah, picking him up to hold in his lap. “What’re you still doing here?” he asked and Neil sighed.

“We’re not here for much longer,” he said, and Leila nodded.

“It’s nearly seven. It’s about time we get Jonah home,” she said, looking over at Adam, who was still just staring at his hands in his lap like a statue.

Eber sighed sadly, looking at the state of his son. “How’s he holding up?” he asked softly and Leila just shook her head. “How’s Tommy, do we know?”

Neil cringed. “The surgery was meant to be over around one and it’s still going now, at nearly seven,” he said, glancing at Jonah to make sure Jonah wasn’t listening to them. “There were some complications,” he explained and Eber just nodded, hugging Jonah.

“Hey, you staying with Grandma tonight?” he asked Jonah, who looked up, nodding.

“Yeah! I stayed with Uncle Neil last night and tonight I’m staying with Grandma! Two nights!” he said excitedly.

Eber smiled. “Maybe tomorrow night you can come stay with me and your Uncle Neil at his place. We can make it a boys night,” he teased and Jonah gave him a bright smile as he nodded exuberantly.

“Yeah!” he said, then frowned. “Only Daddy told me Uncle Neil’s a girl, so that doesn’t work,” he said and Neil gaped as Eber bit back a laugh at the serious expression on Jonah’s face as he said that.

A few minutes later, Leila sighed. “Alright, I better get Jonah home,” she said, standing. “Adam, honey,” she said, walking over to kneel in front of him. “Me and Jonah are gonna go now, okay?” she said and he looked up, nodding. 

Adam cleared his throat. “Alright, I guess that it’s about time,” he said, then looked over. “C’mere, Jonah,” he said, holding out his hands. Jonah wiggled out of his grandpa’s lap and ran over to his dad, letting Adam hug him as he stood between his father’s knees. “I love you, Jonah,” he said, kissing him as he held him close. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay baby?” he asked, and Jonah nodded. Adam sniffled, biting his lip as he looked at him. “I’ll see you in the morning hopefully.”

Jonah smiled, putting his little hands on Adam’s face. “Don’t worry, Dad,” he said, looking at him with a big smile. “Daddy’s gonna be okay, you know? Don’t be scared, cause everything will be fine,” he said and Adam let out a weak laugh, smiling wetly.

“You’re a brave little boy, Jonah,” he said, pulling him into a hug again. “Your daddy loves you, baby. You’re such a good little boy for me and your daddy.”

“I’m a big boy! Daddy said so,” Jonah argued and Adam nodded.

“You are, you’re my big boy,” he said, smiling as he let go of him. “Alright, be good for Grandma, okay?” he asked, and Jonah nodded.

“I will! Bye dad,” he said, waving as he went to gather up his coloring book and crayons and hug his grandpa. Leila just hugged Adam, kissing his head.

“He’s a smart kid, you should listen to him,” she said and Adam sighed.

“He’s so much more brave than me,” he joked, smiling weakly. “Goodnight, mom,” he said, biting his lip. “I don’t tell you nearly enough, but I love you, mom,” he said and she hugged him again.

“I love you too, Adam. Don’t worry about anything, Tommy will be okay,” she reassured and Adam nodded.

“Yeah, you’re right,” he said softly, watching wordlessly as she and Jonah left.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Eber and Neil had left to go get some dinner when Dia came in, sitting down beside him with a soda and a bag of chips. Adam took them with a smile. “Where’ve you been at?” he asked looking up at her. “I haven’t seen you much all day,” he said and she smiled sadly.

“To be honest, honey, you were really getting me down,” she said and he frowned. “Sweetheart, I know you’re upset,” she said, chuckling softly. “For the love of God, I’m fucking distraught myself, but you just… you’re so fucking caught up in thinking about bad things that it’s effecting everybody around you, Adam. It’s getting everybody even more worried to see you so worried,” she said and Adam looked up.

“But I’m so _scared_ ,” he started, only to be cut off as Dia huffed.

“And you think I’m not?” she challenged, making him jump. “Honey, I know you’re scared, God knows I do, but that is my child in there, Adam,” she said. “My _baby_ boy. And am I sitting here sulking like you are?” she pushed and he just stared. “No, because I have to be strong for everybody else, too. And I have to be strong for him,” she added. “Adam, Tommy needs for you to hold it together. Your own son is better managing his emotions than you!” she accused.

“Dia, you don’t understand,” he started and she shot him a look.

“I buried my husband,” she said darkly. “I really, _really_ do understand. I understand better than even you. I also understand that that is my child you’re worried about. I really do understand, Adam. But I’m holding it together because I have to,” she said. “You have to hold it together because there isn’t just you,” she said more gently. “Your son is five. Your mother loves Tommy like one of her own children. You haven’t even called to update Tommy’s friends since the bad news this morning,” she pointed out. “ _I_ got a call from your friend Sutan because you stopped answering your phone and he was afraid something had happened to Tommy.” Adam ducked his head, somewhat ashamed all of a sudden. “Look I know you love him, God knows you love Tommy,” she said with a sad little laugh. “But tons of people love him, Adam. Sure, maybe nobody loves him quite as much as me and you and Jonah except _maybe_ your mom, but they all love him all the same. They need you to be strong.” She held his hand. “Tommy needs you to be strong.”

Adam just sniffled. “I just want to know he’s okay,” he admitted, letting out a soft sob. “I want to know that my husband is okay. I want to know I don’t have to ever tell a five year old that his daddy is gone. I just want this all to be _over_ ,” he cried softly.

Dia just sighed, pulling him into a hug. “I know how you feel, baby, I really do,” she whispered, rubbing his back as he cried.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Adam was just finishing his bottle of soda when the door to the waiting room opened. He expected it to be his dad and brother, so when Dia grabbed his arm and gasped, he jumped. As soon as he jerked his head up and saw Dr. Jones standing there, hair somewhat sweaty and frazzled, looking exhausted, he flew to his feet, almost terrified that his legs would give out as soon as he got there.

“Mr. Lambert,” Dr. Jones started, walking over to Adam, who was pale and shaking as he looked at the doctor. 

Adam cleared his throat. “The- the surgery is over?” he asked, and the doctor gave him a small smile.

“Would you like to go see your husband?” he asked simply, breaking into a genuine smile when he watched a smile erupt across Adam’s face before he burst into tears before sliding down into the seat beside Dia, who pulled him into a hug as she began crying with him. Both of them were more relieved than words could say.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy was still coming off of the anesthesia, but he had asked to see Adam repeatedly so the doctor agreed to let Adam see him for a short time before he was taken to his room for the night.

When Adam first walked around the curtain, Tommy had been staring at the ceiling, so he heard him before he saw him. “Hey Glitterbaby,” Adam said, and Tommy looked down, smiling as he spotted Adam at the foot of his bed, face dripping tears.

“Stop crying, baby,” Tommy said hoarsely, holding out his hand. Adam bit his lip, quickly moving to Tommy’s side so that he could catch his hand, pulling it to his lips.

“TommyJoe,” he sobbed softly, smiling through his tears. “Oh my God, baby, I love you so much,” he choked and Tommy smiled weakly.

“I’m okay, Babyboy,” he said, and Adam grinned, nodding. “So hey,” he said, twisting their fingers together. “The Doc says they got all of the tumor,” he said, and Adam nodded, sniffling.

“Yep, I heard,” he said, laughing. “My God, baby, if you scare me like this again now, I will actually kill you,” he joked and Tommy smiled.

“I can imagine,” he said, swallowing. “The doctor told me about the stroke,” he said, and Adam nodded sadly. “If I can’t play guitar anymore,” Tommy started, and Adam shook his head.

“You’ll play again baby, don’t worry,” he said and Tommy shook his head slightly.

“If I can’t, I want you to know that I really don’t care if you get somebody else. I know you,” he said and Adam ducked his head. “You will totally pull some bullshit about not playing a show without me and I’ll have to beat you,” he threatened playfully. “You are going to tour without me if I never get to play again,” he said, and Adam narrowed his eyes.

“Try me, kitty,” he said in a playful voice, feeling something slip once more as he saw a smile spread across Tommy’s pale, gaunt face. “Holy shit, you’re going to be okay,” he choked out as tears overcame him once again.

Tommy just nodded. “Yeah, Adam. I am.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
There were a few small setbacks after the surgery, such as Tommy’s staples getting infected, and Tommy’s coordination still being less than perfect so that he tripped over nothing more than a few times the first few weeks after he got home, but all in all, they had gotten _very_ lucky.

By June Tommy was well enough to take care of himself and Jonah well enough for Adam to get back into the promo work he had been in before Tommy got too sick. They were meant to have started tour in April, but that soon after Tommy’s surgery, it was absolutely impossible. Adam had pissed a lot of people off by suspending the tour until he was certain Tommy was healthy enough, but Adam full on _refused_. Tommy had made him swear that he would replace Tommy if he couldn’t play again, but within weeks of having the tumor gone and no longer pressing on his brain, Tommy had started to practice. It wasn’t as easy as it had been, but he was _playing_ again and most likely, the doctors had concluded, he would be able to play again within a year.

As he learned to play again like he used to, Tommy decided to take the opportunity to teach Jonah how to play the guitar. Adam loved nothing more than to sit on the floor in the music room and watch Tommy teach Jonah how to play the guitar. Watching his little fingers moving on the strings with Tommy’s help for reaches he couldn’t make was a very spiritual thing for Adam because it was his son and his husband, the two most important people in his life, united by music, the most important thing in his life. It was even more beautiful when Jonah wanted to learn Adam’s songs and wanted Adam to sing along with them while they played.

Absolutely nothing was more magical than them creating music together as a family.

When they got closer to being able to go on tour, Adam had more interviews and acoustic spots than before. Tommy decided to back off the acoustic spots because, though he was confident about his playing once more, he didn’t want to mess up and worry people and, if it was just Adam and a guitar, it would be very obvious.

It was at one of these interviews that someone finally asked about pushing tour back so far and actually got an answer from him.

“Well, like everybody knows already, we found out my husband has a brain tumor,” he started, holding out a hand. “In case anybody doesn’t know, my husband is also my guitarist,” he added. “And don’t get me wrong, I would’ve refused to go on tour anyways with my husband so sick, but I refused flat out to play without him,” he said, shaking his head. “Even after he started getting better I wouldn’t leave on tour without him.”

“Now, your husband was very sick, wasn’t he?” the interviewer asked, and Adam nodded, fixing one of his bracelets as he shifted.

“Oh yeah, he got really sick. We found out he had a tumor the end of November, he started radiation treatments in January. Late February he finished the radiation treatments, but it hadn’t done the job,” he explained. “Then when they stopped them for an observation period, he got so much worse until the point that he had a seizure and passed out. I had no idea what it was, so I panicked and when he got to the hospital they realized it was basically remove the tumor or he could die, we went ahead with that,” he explained, glossing over how bad it really was. “And after that, it was bound to take a while to recover. I mean, you don’t just bounce back from brain surgery,” he pointed out.

“Well, is he okay now? It’s been a while since February and I’m assuming he’s touring with you?” she asked and Adam smiled, nodding.

“Yes, he’s better now. He’s going to be fine for tour, thankfully,” he said, shaking his head. 

She smiled. “I want to ask a slightly personal question here, but… do you think you learned anything from this experience?” she asked timidly.

Adam smiled.“You really realize how lucky you are when you are faced with a difficult situation like this one,” he said honestly. “I already knew I was a blessed man, I knew I had the love of my life and that we had a beautiful son, but through all of this struggle, I really think I learned to appreciate that.” He bit his lip. “There were moments where I don’t think either of us really thought Tommy was going to make it,” he said darkly, thinking about the memory of how it felt to fear losing Tommy. “I think I took for granted for a long time that Tommy would always be there and when I was faced with the reality that he might not be there anymore, it broke my heart,” he said, nodding solemnly. “I also learned how brave and strong my son is,” he added with a small smile. “He climbed into my lap and told me not to worry because Daddy was going to be okay and he wouldn’t want me to cry and I promise you, I never knew a five year old could be so brave and mature in a situation like that,” he said, grinning. 

“So yeah, I did learn things. I learned that I have the most amazing, beautiful, incredible son and the strongest, bravest husband I could have ever hoped for,” he said. “And I learned to appreciate how lucky I am because there’s no guarantee they’ll always be here. But rather than be afraid, I have learned to just enjoy what I have while I have it,” he said simply, smiling brightly as he thought about his life.

Every good thing in the world had happened to him in one way or another. Bad shit happened, but in the end he was blessed with a wonderful family, an amazing career, and a life that was successful. Whenever he felt down, he was able to hug his son, or kiss his husband, or write a song that might one day be on radios everywhere. Adam Lambert was a lucky person and he knew it.

Adam looked up and smiled. “I’m a lucky man and I think I really understand that now,” he said simply, nodding as he smiled into the camera, waiting for the commercial break to come so that he could go and call his family just to tell them that he loved them. 

Because he was lucky.


End file.
